THE BIG LIBRARY CATALOG LISTING Why I blew up LeChuck, by Guybrush Threepwood Where I blew up LeChuck, by Guybrush Threepwood When I blew up LeChuck, by Guybrush Threepwood - The catalog was right, this IS pretty bad Shiver me Timbers - "Yarr, matey". I wonder if anybody really talks like this. A Million and One Ways to Play Solitaire, by Herman Toothrot - What a rip. Number 236,709 and 645,212 are practically the same. Zoo Animals More Intelligent Than Humans - It's too thick, I don't have time to read it. The Melanie Leary Novels: Yearning's Yellowing Yesterdays - Yuck! Fascination's Final Frenzy - Fiddlesticks! Amour's Agonizing Adieu - Argh! Desire's Distasteful Denouement - Dumb! (spotted the pattern yet?) Sin's Sordid Swan Song - Stupid! Romance's Wretched Residue - Ridiculous! Love's Lingering Lassitude - Truly disgusting. Passion's Persistent Presence - Why would she write this? Next to Nothing, by E. Marley. An account of her time with Guybrush Threepwood. - If you can't say something nice, you're not supposed to say anything at all. Much less write a whole BOOK. So You're Going to be Executed - Gulp! Bad Puns For Bad Pirates, by N. Falstein. (Hmmm...) - heh. heh heh. Hooo ha ha ha ha. AHAHAHA!!!! HOOHAHA-- "He was stumped!" --HAHAHAHA!! Ahah. Aheh. Oh well, I guess it wasn't that funny. I Am Blackbeard's Liver - Just say no to grog. Popular Punishments for Grave Robbers - Yikes! The Shirt Off My Back, by Lady Godiva - Darn, no pictures. How to Make a Jackalope - I wonder how they get them to cooperate? Properties of the Elliptic Hyperboloid. - It's technical stuff, I can't understand a word of it. My Mother the Cart - This is really creepy! Hal Barwood on Monkey 2 - "Less is more, guys! You can't polish a turd." The Joy of Hex - I think it's meant for advanced voodoo practitioners. The writing's way too technical for me. Three Sheets to the Wind: pirate poetry - This is some of the worst poetry I've ever read. Pirating Primer - This is about something called 'software' piracy. Masters of Pillaging - Wow! These guys are real pirates! Rastafarian Philosophy - I don't get it. Rats as a Protein Source - Ick. Big Book of Fish - It's a bunch of neat pictures of big fish. Very Very Short Stories - Yep, these are short all right. Origins of Pirate Words - It says here that most pirate lingo can be traced to Phoenician restroom graffiti. Hear the Sound of My Feet Talking - It's about zen orthopedics or some such foolishness. There's Always a Rainbow - I hate people who write books like this. Our Hairy Cousins - I have a lot of cousins like that... &$*#! Symbolic Equivalents of Obscene Words and Phrases - This stuff is really repulsive! Soda Fountains Of My Youth - Boy, does this guy ever want to relive his childhood. Dynanetics, by L. Ron Gilbert - Who does this guy think he is, anyway? Feeling Good about Narcissism - The 'about the author' part goes almost the whole way through the book. Confessions of a Narcoleptic - Boy, what a sleeper. Meet Mr. Tiger - Neat, the pictures pop up. Wallpaper: Living in Lime - Ick. Gross Things to Say at Parties - --snicker-- I especially like the one about the sauerkraut. Things You Can Catch by Reading a Library Book - Uh, oh... 101 Vices - Hey, only thirty to go! Thirty Non-Musical Uses For Your Violin - Wow, I bet that WOULD keep the cats away... Shipboard Diseases - Gross. Dog English Dictionary - It says here that "Arf" has twenty-seven meanings in Dog. Vegetables Children Will Eat - That's odd, it claims ketchup is a vegetable. (elsewhere in the catalog, Ketchup: see Vegetables) Popular Spectator Sports - I can't find stoat wrestling in here. The Code in My Nose - Sounds uncomfortable. Noteworthy Pirate Foods - Hey, it's blank! Great Expectorations, by Captain Loogie - This is very... thick. The Sinister Beast Under the Bed - Hmmm... Good bedtime reading... World's Worst Pirate Songs - Hey, "A Thousand Bottles of Beer on the Wall." How Much Wood? From the Woodchuck Mystery Series - I think the butler did it. How to Serve Your Fellow Man, by Lemonhead. - Yikes! The Majesty of the Sierras - Sierras? Majestic? I think not. Make Easy Money at Home - It says I should send in two dollars for details. Theory and Practice of Bone Breakage - Hey, this guy's only a PINK belt! Cubic Lemniscate Formulas - Boy, is this stuff boring. Afternoon at Meathook's - Fascinating... Rock and Raunch: Banned Record Albums of the Last Decade - I don't see what's so bad about these lyrics. Hip Lingo for Pirates - Hmmm... "Aarghh." "Yaarr." "Shiver my timbers." "David Jones' Locker." "Dead men don't tell stories." I should brush up on some of these. Giant Umbrellas and Other Bits of Art - Sounds dangerous. Wedgies: Harmless Fun or Sadistic Torture? - It says here that the wedgie was once used as a law enforcement practice. Dessert Recipes for Tripe Lovers - Ick. Collectable Toy Trucks - Here's an interesting one: the Junior Ultra Soldier Commando Assault Vehicle(TM) Modern Toenail Collector - It's a bunch of clippings from some magazine. The Pride of Loch Ness - This guy thinks the legendary Three-Headed Monkey is actually the son of the Loch Ness Monster. Why Chicks Dig Tattoos. - Hmmm... Maybe I should get one. Tattoo-Related Skin Infections - Hmmm... Maybe I shouldn't get one. A Child's First Book of Tattoos - Aw, the teddy bear is cute! Walk Thru Walls: the Intelligence Avoider - I certainly don't need this... I can walk straight already. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Partner - It's technical stuff, I can't understand a word of it. Operating Without a Net - It says to always use latex gloves. Top Seven Deadly Sins - "Sloth" is my favorite. Social Darwinism and Social Disease - An interesting comparison. The Hidden Sins of Calculus - Boy, this is reactionary! Beverages for Everyone - You know, I don't believe there's a man, woman or child alive who doesn't occasionally enjoy a beverage. Under the Surface, by Walt Whimsy Animatronics, by Walt Whimsy - It's technical stuff, I can't understand a word of it. Scabb Island History - Says here that Scabb was first settled as a quarantine island for skin diseases. It later became a haven for pirates because of its distinctive lack of authority figures. Kleptomania - It says here that Kleptomania is a nigh-irresistible compulsion to take anything not nailed down. Hmmm... The Little Organ That Could - There are little pop-up kidneys in it! Ick! My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma - I think this philosophy stuff is just a waste of time. Imaginary Numbers: The New Tax Laws - It's a bit dry, and I don't understand the ending. Pirates' Favorite Ice Cream Flavors - Hmmm, Pistachio Dryrot, Salmonella Chip, Grog 'n' Cream... The Time I Blew Up LeChuck, the Questionable Memoirs of Guybrush Threepwood - I can't believe I'm reading my own memoirs. Yikes! Memoirs of Captain Gilbert. - Yikes!