Guybrush looked at the Hermit's suddenly stony face. No help there. He turned to Wally, helplessly.
"All right, I'll tell," said Guybrush. "But I don't like it."
The Hermit sat back. "Start, then."
"Okay. Wally, this'll be some news to you, but I've got a brother. His name is Upchuck."
Wally spilled his drink. (Did I forget to mention Wally had a drink? Well, he does. Er, except he doesn't have it now. It's on the floor. Wally's on his knees - hang on, I'll just get out of these brackets) - cleaning it up (phew - seamless)
"Now I think about it, my parents didn't really have much talent with names. First child out, they call him Upchuck. Second child out, they call Guybrush. There ought to be laws against that kind of thing.
"Upchuck was your typical bullying older brother. I never liked him that much. Still, he was my brother, and I had to live with him. But it was worse than that. My parents made me look up to him. They idolised him, I think... bloody hell, this is embarrassing. You guys aren't psychiatrists. Why am I wasting your time with this... okay, I'll cut to the chase.
"When he was twenty, Upchuck decided to become a space pirate. Except they weren't called space pirates then, they were space *traders*, usually small gangs who flew out to distant planets and moons, taking bite-sized loads of metals and minerals home because large companies didn't want to go to the risk of setting up a large-scale space mining operation. For some twisted reason, Upchuck wanted me to come along with him. Because of my parents, I had to agree.
"When we first flew out, it was just the two of us. I was in a tiny needlefighter you could hardly turn round in, and Upchuck's ship was hardly any larger. You could tell even before we left that we'd never make a fortune transporting metal.
"That wasn't Upchuck's plan, of course. I found out what he really wanted when we came across a couple of Mark IV needlefighters, bringing a large load of metal back to earth. Upchuck sent out a distress signal, and one of the craft came over to investigate. Upchuck waited for the pilot to come on board via the airlock, then he clubbed him. He took the Mark IV and shot the second ship. Upchuck got me on board the ship, put a gun in my hand, and told me to shoot the pilot. I couldn't do it, so Upchuck put his hand round mine and pulled the trigger. He tossed the gun in a safe, my prints all over it, then we had a talk.
"Upchuck told me that he was the first of the new breed. Just like the pirates of the 1500's and the cowboys of the 1800's, he was an outlaw on a new frontier. And if I ever crossed him or ran out, he'd hunt me down and kill me." Guybrush chuckled. "He hasn't been too successful with that bit yet."
He sighed. "Anyway, we became a roving band of space pirates, and we were the first. More people joined our gang, although more often than not Upchuck would kill potential entrants. We got famous, so much so that it got hard to sell our booty off back on earth. Upchuck got the strange idea that we should bury it, like the old pirates did, so there are huge stashes of valuable metals all over this solar system, and all the nearby stars. I can't touch those, at least not now - I think Upchuck watches them.
"So it was about five years ago. I was the number-two man in Upchuck's pirate gang. There were other pirate gangs, but none as successful as ours. Upchuck had a way with diplomacy and sheer-blooded brinkmanship that left most people gibbering.
"I hated it. I hated having to command people, tell them what to do, hated the two-plus-two-equals-five crowd Upchuck seemed to attract. I was plotting a way to escape - not only to escape, but to deal Upchuck a huge personal blow.
"My chance came when we seized the craft of a rival pirate gang. For the purposes of stealth, they had sent over a Mark IV with no identifying markings. I was intrigued, and used my influence to have the ship transported to my private hangar.
"I had the getaway vehicle. Now all I needed was the right time. It came a week later, when Upchuck decided to lead an attack on the Bludbarten gang. I faked a cold, and was left behind. Upchuck's base, a group of ramshackle metal sheds on a cold moon, was empty. I planted explosives, in each and every building. I took all the valuable stuff I could, and flew off.
"But the space around me wasn't clear. Upchuck was waiting. He'd suspected me for a while.
"I might have hated my job, but it didn't mean I wasn't good at it. I earnt my position. And we flew a hell of a dogfight there, above the moon, while Upchuck's fleet battled the Bludbarten fleet thousands of miles away. Slowly Upchuck got the upper hand, pulling himself into position to deliver a killing blow. I fought him off as long as I could, long enough for the fleet to come back from their successful annihilation of the Bludbarten fleet. Upchuck shouted at them to leave, and they flew down to the moon surface. That was his biggest mistake ever. He was suspicious of me, but not suspicious enough.
"By this time he was really frustrated. I wasn't trying to kill him, just flying to stay alive. And he couldn't pin me. He yelled at me, 'Only once have I met such a coward!'
"And I said, 'He must have taught you everything you know.'
"I don't know where that reply came from, but it completely floored Upchuck. He hesitated, and in that moment I detonated his base. A white flower of destruction blossomed on that dead surface, and while Upchuck floundered around in the shockwave, I turned and blasted his ship to smithereens. I flew away, and I thought he was dead.
"And so I'd thought - until today."