ZAK MCKRACKEN AND THE ALIEN MINDBENDERS

Zak McKracken, Ace reporter for the National Inquisitor, was sweating, getting worked up, and starting to regret having worn all-black clothes on this fine, sunny day.
He was pacing the floor in the editor's office, on the 25th floor. The editor sat behind his desk, watching Zak disinterestedly. Despite his enormous overweight body, and egg-shaped head, he wasn't sweating at all. The occasional rise and fall of his chest was all that distinguished him from a boulder in suit and tie - the contrast between him and the energetic (and thinner) Zak was extreme. The editor barely had enough hair to comb. Zak had more than enough, but chose to keep it... not shaved, but short. A slight strand, however, was allowed to hang low above one eye.
"Zak, Zak, Zak," said the editor, trying to calm him down. "What am I going to do with you?" Printed in Gothic lettering on the window behind him, was The National Inquirer. Hanging on the walls were photographic prints of volcanoes exploding and grainy, slim aliens. It was that kind of paper.
"But Boss!" wailed Zak, still pacing the floor. "I'll never win a Pulitzer working for this sleazy tabloid! I'm sick of making up stupid stories!"
"Then make up stories that aren't stupid," said the editor reasonably.
This made Zak stop completely. Uh huh, he thought.
"Look," continued the editor, determined to get some work out of Zak. "Just do this last feature, and then you can write your novel. Here's your ticket to Seattle." He tossed a slip of paper onto the desk.
Slowly, Zak walked forward and picked up the ticket. "I want more on that vicious two-headed squirrel that's been attacking campers," the editor explained.
"Oh, all right!" said Zak, giving in. Every meeting with his editor seemed to go this way - it was depressing.
"And while you're there," added his editor, "the first UFO sighting happened on Mt. Rainer fifty years ago. Write it up too."
Zak's mood grew blacker. The ticket crumpled a little in his grip, as he shoved it in his back pocket. Tabloid Reporter Strangles Boss Over Lousy Assignment, he thought as he walked to the door.

That night.
Zak was alone, in bed. Again. Wherever the excitement in Zak's life was, it certainly wasn't in the bedroom.
But something strange was happening now. It was a dream - surely. Zak didn't dream often, and when he did all he usually remembered were a couple of grainy black-and-white images, some lingering emotions, and a lot of bluster. But what Zak saw now was crystal-clear, and smooth. He was floating in space, zooming past Earth and toward the red planet of Mars. He didn't actually seem to be there - this felt like something he was watching remotely.
Suddenly the view changed, and a series of slides came into view. The first was of the cratered Martin landscape, from quite high up, and below he saw a number of rectangular buildings squatting together, connected to a face the size of a postage stamp by twin tracks, or canals, or tunnels, or whatever.
The next slide zoomed in on the face. Zak recognised it instantly - the photo taken by NASA of something on the surface of Mars that was angular, looked to be constructed, and indeed looked like a face from above. Zak had written a story on it, inventing a conspiracy involving an observatory in Des Moines, Iowa, and a plan to spruik the water supply. Seen now, the face looked metallic, almost robotic, with its triangular mouth and expressionless eyes. This impression was only reinforced by its rusty-red colour.
The next slide zoomed in even further, on the mouth of the face. There was something in there, a rectangle blue and brown, with tiny yellow dots. He zoomed in further, and instantly Zak recognised the pattern - it was a map of the Earth.
An Earth slightly different to the one he knew, like a geographic projection of twenty million years ago. Africa, Asia, Europe and Australia were all merged up into one unrecognisable landmass. North America, Greenland and Scandinavia were all joined up into the one northern land bridge. Similarly, South America and Africa were joined at the equator. The orphaned North Atlantic, now a huge inland sea, was occupied in its middle by a large expanse of land. Atlantis? wondered Zak. It was certainly the right place.
His view zoomed in further. Now he could see the points of yellow light clearer. There were two on the North American west coast, one in the middle of Atlantis, one somewhere in Argentina, and one about where Egypt was. The significance of these dots completely eluded Zak.
Here, his dream suddenly diverged. Zak found himself, clad in his blue pyjamas, in a world of uniform grey. He looked forward, to a familiar bed (his bed!) and a familiar form, sleeping contentedly in the bed.
"Hey!", said Zak. He heard his voice quite clearly. "That's me!" Tabloid Reporter Spaces Out In Dream, he thought.
Zak ran toward the bed, but just as he got close it vanished. In its place appeared a huge humanoid alien, twelve feet tall, with mottled blue skin and a cranium the size of a beach ball. Zak pulled up short, a hand to his mouth. The alien stared impassively back then pointed at him, with a thin arm as long as a broom handle.
Zak turned and ran. Directly in his path appeared a huge golden Ankh, the Egyptian symbol of life. Zak skirted around it, his mouth open wide.
Suddenly everything vanished again. Zak turned around a full revolution, but he couldn't see anything in the uniform grey.
A girl appeared before him. She had black hair, was wearing a purple sweater and smiled at him quite attractively. At the sight of her, Zak's rabbity heart forgot to pound. Rapidly four more girls appeared beside her, all in a line, and all identical.
Zak's open mouth turned into a grin. He hurried over to the line of girls. They stood still, holding the smiles.
Four disappeared, just as Zak reached the first. They looked at each other, and in the space between them a squat grey machine appeared. Three arms thrust up from the machine, holding three shards of crystal. One gold, one near-white, one dark blue. The machine confused Zak a little, but the girl was still smiling, as if she knew what the machine was for.
The machine disappeared. Zak moved closer, the confusion gone.
The girl disappeared. Zak's smile disappeared with her. He didn't have much time to be disappointed, however, because out of the space above dropped a Groucho disguise, attached to a small yellow hat. It floated toward him, eyebrows winking madly, as if being worn by the Invisible Man.
Zak screamed, soundlessly, and ran. Away, although directions were useless in this grey void. He could feel the Groucho disguise behind him, drawing closer. A black doorway suddenly loomed before him. Zak jumped through.
He was in a blue corridor, which stretched before him straight and narrow. Zak turned, and the Groucho disguise had followed him through. Zak pelted forward. He was pulled up short almost immediately, because the way was blocked by a huge Groucho disguise, easily forty feet tall, staring impassively at him. Even as he halted, the Groucho disguise winked its eyebrows at him.
Zak turned on his heels and ran back.

He woke.
Zak was lying on his back, in his bed. He lay there a while, then got up and turned the lamp on. Yes, this was his bedroom, and it was the next morning. Everything was back to normal.
But somehow Zak knew that wasn't so.
He pulled on some clothes, opened the shades, then hunted around for a pen. He wanted to make a map of those Martian images he'd seen. It soon turned into a very frustrating search. He looked under the bed (nothing), on the dresser drawer (just his pet goldfish Sushi), in the dresser drawer (nothing in there but a phone bill for... $1138?!?!? That couldn't be right!), in his desk drawer (just his kazoo), under the desk (his CashCard was down there, and all he succeeded in doing was pushing it further under), and on his desk.
Nothing. Lots of junk, but no pen.
Zak was starting to get pretty worked up, and forgetting the dream. This was just typical. He picked up the phone receiver, and heard nothing but a low monotonous tone. So the phone was out, too. Well, that was just typical.
Moody, Zak walked out into the living room.
He turned on the TV. Even this turned out to be a torturous process, involving searching under a couch cushion for the remote control, finding out it didn't work, looking around for the power cable, losing temper, finally locating it under another, discarded couch cushion, plugging the cable into the outlet, and finally turning on the TV.
Sheesh, thought Zak. He settled back into the couch and watched the tube.

Meanwhile, in a secret room a lot closer than you might think...
Alien #1 (his true name is unpronounceable, and certainly unwriteable, so let's just call him this) was standing in front of the control panel, watching the readouts. He was in a long passage made of metal. The control panel had two very obvious features - a huge on/off switch, and a large dial, whose red needle was currently pointed at sixty. Behind the control panel was a massive network of thin piping and cable, all intertwined.
As for the alien, if you weren't looking at his head you'd scarcely notice him. He wore a nondescript black suit with a yellow tie, was about the same height and build as a human, and about the only noticeable difference was that his head looked like a shrivelled peanut, or a rotund figure eight. He was watching the control panel like a hawk, his head motionless. At the edge of hearing, there was a faint, low-pitched whistle.
Alien #2 approached. You could tell he was Alien #2 because he wore a blue tie. A little perturbed by the utter lack of reaction from Alien #1, Alien #2 coughed.
Alien #1 turned and looked at him. The expression on #1's face was as blank as before.
"I just talked to The King," said #2. "He said the machine is working perfectly."
"Yeah... working perfectly," echoed #1.
"He said in just a few more days all earthlings will be stupider than we are."
"Yeah... stupider than we are."
#2 paused. "I think you've been hanging around the machine too long."
"Yeah... too long," agreed #1.
#2 snorted. "I think I need a new partner," he muttered, as he turned and walked away.
"Yeah... new partner. See ya." #1 turned back to the control panel, staring avidly at the screen.

It was the morning news. The kind of program Zak should watch more regularly, although his main viewing habit these days seemed to be daytime soap operas.
Nevertheless, Zak soon found his interest roused. It seemed plenty of people had been having an interesting night, last night.
The newsreader was a young blonde woman, Lori Amore. "Good morning, San Francisco," she said. "We'll continue with today's top story about the Yale coeds' mission to Mars... after this important message."
Mars - it was mildly interesting, but what followed next picked up Zak a lot more.
The commercial showed a young girl, with black hair, wearing a purple sweater, standing in front of a bookshelf and looking steadily into the camera. Zak sat up sharply - she looked like the girl in his dream!
Whoever this was, she was utterly entrancing, a quality which extended to her voice. "Hello, I'm Annie Larris from the Society for Ancient Wisdom in San Francisco," she said. "Our quest for a greater understanding of the past can make a better world today. But we need your help! Please deposit artifacts in our 14th Avenue drop slot."
14th Avenue was only one block away. Zak lived on 13th Avenue.
"I promise they will be returned undamaged," said Annie. "Thank you for your time." She vanished, as the morning news and Lori Amore returned.
They were going with the Mars story. "Now from Mars," continued Lori, "one of the women who made this dangerous journey, Melissa China."
Melissa China appeared on screen - what she looked like, Zak found hard to tell, as she was inside her spacesuit, standing on the Martin landscape. "Hi there!" she said cheerily, her voice distorted by the low-quality spacesuit microphone.
Back to Lori. "Melissa, why have you and your friend Leslie travelled all the way to Mars?"
Melissa's answer was a little unsettling, for Zak at least. "We had dreams in which an alien told us how to convert our van into a spaceship. We were told to fly to Mars and await further instructions." Melissa looked around the landscape. "So here we are!"
Lori's look of professional disbelief was something to behold. "I see. And have you received your, uhm, 'instructions'?"
"No," said Melissa, clearly disappointed. "We haven't talked to any 'intelligent beings' since we landed. But we're willing to wait!" Melissa suddenly looked downward. "Oops. My helmet says my oxygen level is low. I have to go refill it."
Lori returned to screen. "OK, Melissa. Good luck!" The screen backdrop changed, and they were on to the next story. "We'll continue with today's top story, about the universal stupidity epidemic, after this."
Stupidity epidemic? Tell me about it, thought Zak. But he listened closer.
Suddenly, Lori's expert autocue reading faltered. "Ummm," she said, suddenly looking very lost. "After this... uhhh..."
A low buzz was coming from the television, similar to that from his telephone.
It stopped, and Lori was back to normal. "After this story about the universal stupidity epidemic," she said, as if completely unaware of what had just happened.
This was weirding Zak out. What on earth was going on?
"If you've been feeling increasingly stupid lately," said Lori, "you're not alone!" A big question mark appeared on the screen behind her. "Scientists are baffled by a mysterious buzz that is affecting people worldwide. The sixty-cycle hum seems to come from every telephone line on the planet."
A lot things started to fall into place for Zak, then.
"A spokesman for The Phone Company refused to comment," said Lori in her neutral newsreader voice. That was the end of the story, and Zak soon turned the set off.
He sat there for a while, thinking. What he was meant to do today was fly off to Seattle, find or fake a two-headed squirrel, talk to the nutty locals about Mt. Rainer UFO's, and eventually write two stories. Routine.
In the morass of information he'd just been given, however, there was a decidedly non-routine story. It was all tied up somehow in his dream - the girl, the crystal shards, the alien, Groucho Marx, Mars.
So Zak didn't pack, not then at least. He went into his bedroom, got his CashCard out from under the desk (using a butter knife), picked up his phone bill, and walked out of his apartment.

Outside on the pavement, it was a shiny, clean day, the sky perfect blue above. The bustle of the city was soft today, hardly anyone about. That was probably because he'd slept in again, like usual.
He walked along the pavement, stopping at the very next door to the apartment entrance. Here was the local office of TPC, The Telephone Company. In fact, the office was probably directly under his apartment (he was on the second floor).
Zak pushed open the door. And got a real shock. The guy behind the counter was wearing a something black and close-fitting, yellow tie, a Groucho Marx disguise and a dinky yellow hat.
Like in his dream.
Zak controlled his reaction well, and walked into the office. He walked up to the counter and showed the representative his bill.
The guy whistled. He had a deep, throaty voice. "$1138! You callin' Mars or something?"
I wonder, thought Zak. He handed over his CashCard. The representative keyed in the transaction. "Next time be prompt with your payments," he said, handing back the CashCard.
Zak nodded politely, and walked to the door. "See ya," said the representative. He walked back up the steps to his apartment and sat down in the living room.
Mars. The Phone Company representative, whoever he might be, reminded Zak what he'd been meaning to do when he woke up - make a map of those images he saw. Zak hunted around for a pen, but like before had no luck. He only found a single yellow crayon.
It would have to do. Zak looked high and low for a piece of paper, and finally found some in his bedroom. He sat down, concentrating, and made a rough sketch of what he'd seen. It took ten minutes, and the final result was a little smudged and indistinct. Zak folded it up carefully and put it in his back pocket. Then he returned to his bedroom.
If his apartment was above TPC's office, then right now he must be above the back room. Standing there at the door, perfectly still, Zak could just hear something, on the edge of hearing.
It was coming from the floor. Zak bent down, silently, and pressed his ear to the rug laid out on the floorboards. Yes, he could hear it clearer now - a low monotonous rumble.
Zak stood up. There was something going on down there. What, he didn't know.
But he was going to find out.

Which was why he was now one block distant, walking along 14th Avenue toward a certain store he knew of. The noise of nearby construction work was loud, but otherwise it was quiet and calm back here.
Zak was also here because he wanted to investigate the Society for Ancient Wisdom. Soon he came to a large red doorway, flanked by fake Greco-Roman columns. Zak tried the door, but it was locked.
He read the sign taped to the door. "Society for Ancient Wisdom. Deposit artifacts in slot." That was all. It was depressingly impersonal.
Zak sighed, and walked to the next door down - Lou's Loans: we buy almost anything, from almost anyone! He entered.
Zak didn't want a loan from Lou. Lou was a pawnbroker, and he often had a lot of interesting stuff for sale, at bargain prices.
A bald, slightly tubby man greeted him from behind the counter: Lou. "Hiya buddy," he said in his broad, strong voice. He might have been a bartender or card shark in a previous life.
"Hi," said Zak. He scanned the shelves behind Lou. There was a lot of interesting stuff there - for Zak in particular. Serendipity had become a way of life for him in just the last few hours, because on one shelf, beside each other, were a pair of Groucho Marx nose glasses and a black bowler hat with yellow trim.
Zak had a certain talent for disguising himself. It was nothing special - he was no James Bond or Mata Hari - but usually, if Zak had to be somewhere, he knew what to wear and how to act so no-one would notice his presence. This flair for disguise had gotten him some good stories in the past. He got some ribbing from his colleagues about this, because you didn't have to be there at all. You just made the whole thing up.
Right now, Zak's journalistic instincts were telling him to find some way to get inside the TPC offices. And for that, he'd need some kind of disguise. The hat and the nose glasses looked perfect.
Zak looked around at the stock. A black wetsuit with transparent gloves and green trim caught his eyes. Zak thought, then decided on taking a red toolbox as well. He pointed out the relevant items to Lou. Lou took no chances with his stock - everything was kept well out of reach of the customers. This was prudent, considering his clientele. Lou gathered up everything and brought it to the checkout counter. The counter was an old, converted movie ticket outlet, with a scratched, milky perspex shield that might possibly be bulletproof.
It all came to two hundred and eighty three dollars. Zak pushed his CashCard through the slot. Lou completed the transaction, then gave him his purchases. "Here," he said.
Zak returned to his bedroom. That noise he'd heard from the floorboards was still there, a monotonous drone that never went away. He bent down and lifted up one corner of the heavy rug. Underneath were three loose floorboards. Zak opened up the toolbox. Inside was a monkey wrench, rope, wire cutters and duct tape. With the monkey wrench, Zak loosened the floorboards further. The tiny scraping noise set his teeth on edge.
After a few minutes work, he was able to lift the floorboards up, leaving a space large enough to fit through. The space below was bright, and light blue, but Zak couldn't see anything else. That drone was louder, though.
Now for his disguise. Zak pulled his shirt and pants off, and struggled into the wetsuit. He put on the hat and the nose glasses, and looked at himself in the mirror. Just as he'd been hoping - totally unrecognisable, and very similar to the TPC guy. He looked at himself a while longer, then had an idea. He stuffed some tissue paper into each earhole. Perfect.
He took a deep breath, grasped the sides of the hole, and fell into space.
Zak's boots hit the floor, and clanged loudly. He winced. That light blue surface he'd seen was the metal floor. He was in a corridor with metal walls, surrounded by machinery and flashing lights. The droning sound was louder, but bearable.
A door at the far end of the corridor opened, in response to his loud entrance. Here came the TPC representative from the front office, wearing a hat and nose glasses almost identical to Zak's. "An intruder!" he said, and pounded toward Zak. When he got close, however, he suddenly stopped.
"Sorry!" he said, apologetic. "I thought you were an intruder. I didn't know there was a Brother here." The TPC representative walked back the way he came, shutting the door to the front office.
His disguise had worked. Zak wiped his forehead and had a look around. One wall was covered by a large map of the world, with no distinguishing features as to its purpose. The source of the noise, however, came to Zak's right, where a huge control console was mounted on a maze of pipes and wires, fully six feet high and twelve feet long. On the far side of the console was a lockup, and several more doors which went goodness-knew where.
Zak studied the machine closely. There was a large horizontal readout at about head height, with a scale ranging from zero to sixty. Apparently, this was set for sixty.
The stupidity frequency.
There wasn't much Zak could actually do here. He saw plenty of readouts and data, but no controls. The only obvious control was a large lever, whose two positions were marked as ON and ON. Zak flipped the lever, but nothing happened.
It was all very baffling. There were no signs, no labels, no written materials around whatsoever, and Zak didn't have the faintest idea who might be behind this. Or why they used hats and nose glasses to disguise themselves. Zak came to two metal lockers. He pulled them open, but they were both empty.
He'd come to the end of his search. Zak returned to the hole in the ceiling, which was mostly obscured from vision. It was also quite high up, and beyond reach. Zak had no choice but to head out to the front office.
Sure enough, the door led him to the small area behind the counter. The TPC representative looked at him disinterestedly, then continued about his work. Zak moved along the bench, looking for stationery, letterheads, or anything that could identify what was going on back there.
He came to the accounts computer. Zak stopped and examined it. He didn't have the time or the expertise to find anything interesting, but the accounts program was running. It was the work of a moment to find his file, and cancel the $1138 debited from his CashCard.
Zak hummed contentedly, lifting the counter door up and heading to the front door. He saw a flyer in a small slot by the door. Zak stopped at the door and stuffed the flyer in his back pocket.
"See ya," said the representative as he left.

Zak went over things back in his apartment.
He didn't have much to go on. In fact, he had zero to go on. The flyer he'd taken from the TPC office turned out to be the application form for The King Fan Club, as in Elvis. Don't delay, join today! Zak was exhorted. He filled the form out and posted it into the mailbox at the front of the apartment block. There was probably no link to the TPC backroom whatsoever, but best not to take chances.
For a quarter of an hour he racked his brains. Nothing. All his leads were exhausted, and there were no more. He watched a bit of the news, but there was nothing new there either.
He knew what he should be doing. And with a final sigh of disappointment, Zak gave in. He picked up the tickets, got his stuff together, and headed down the stairs. He was off to Seattle to find a two-headed squirrel.

At the San Francisco airport, Zak's mood lifted a little. But only marginally.
He was walking along the terminal, past those huge double-glazed plate glass windows which showed the full complexity of the airport. The bitumen several storeys below his gaze was a faded black, tarnished with oil and tyre marks.
The usual ersatz muzak was being pumped (expelled describes it better, thought Zak) through the airport sound system. Here, by another group of floor-to-ceiling windows, there was a much louder sound. A Hare Krishna, bald except for a long flowing mohawk, danced around in a small circle on the patterned blue carpet, tapping out a beat on a tambourine. His pale skin glowed in the sunlight that came through the glass.
Zak pulled up a little. The Hare Krishna wasn't bothering anybody at the moment, but Zak knew that if he walked past the guy would immediately stop dancing and try to sell him something. Zak looked around, and saw a newsstand on his right. There was one paper left, and the headline was interesting: COEDS DISCOVER MILE-LONG FACE ON MARS! He bought a copy with his CashCard and folded it under one arm. Then he started to walk on, looking any which way but at the devotee.
As he came close, the Hare Krishna suddenly stopped his frenetic dancing motion. He stepped out into the path of Zak, and said, "Want to buy a book on enlightenment? Just forty-two dollars."
Zak was trapped. And, just as he knew he would, he meekly gave over his CashCard. The Hare Krishna took it and completed the transaction in a handheld unit.
Zak was given back his CashCard, along with a thin leather-bound tome. "May you find True Enlightenment," said the Hare Krishna, bowing slightly. Zak walked past, a little stiffly, to the departing gates.

Meanwhile, back in that secret room...
Alien #1, after a short break, was back at the control panel. In three days, he'd spent over sixty hours standing there. And it was starting to get to him.
Alien #1 was dancing around in a drunken circle, swaying his hips and shaking his arms. Scraps and fragments of song came yodeling out of his mouth in a stream-of-consciousness manner: "O Baby - I'm a jailhound dog lovin' meat tenderising rocker in my blue suede shoes..." In his head, he heard the music, those unforgettable guitar riffs, and in his head it all gelded together beautifully. He'd never felt this great before.
Alien #2, however, was even now returning to check on things. Like Alien #1, he no longer wore the nose glasses and hat, showing his full overblown head. And his expression, which was one of growing annoyance.
"And what do you think you're doing?" he said sharply.
Alien #1 stopped his wailing, but danced just as energetically as ever. "Grooveling to the King!" he said, wiggling across the floor.
"STOP IT THIS INSTANT!" roared Alien #2. Alien #1 stopped, and stood sourly to attention. "You're supposed to be watching the machine, not dancing like a gloon!"
"Sorry," mumbled Alien #1.
Alien #2 led him to the map, a serious expression on his face. "There is still a chance - a very small chance - that someone will discover and activate the Skolarian Device. It's the only thing that could stop us. Of course," he admitted, returning to the control panel, "we will soon be in control and won't have to worry. But until then..." - he drew close - "KEEP YOUR MIND ON THE JOB!"
"Whatever you say, boss," said Alien #1 obediently. Alien #2 stalked past and returned to the front office. "See ya." Alien #1 waited a prudent amount of time, then, as if a switch had been thrown, instantly began to groove. "Don't be cool to my heartache hovel just treat my lice cuz I'm all shook up..."

It was early evening when Zak came down in Seattle. He had been most supremely bored on the flight. The newspaper story contained nothing he hadn't already found out on the news, and the book he'd bought from the devotee turned out to be titled 'How To Improve Your Consciousness And Lower Your Golf Scores,' written by a Swami Holanwanda from his monastery abode in Nepal. Zak put it down almost immediately.
He found a motel room nearby. The owner was only too happy to fill him in on the two-headed squirrel, which was apparently a big local news item. Zak made a few phone calls, and was soon driving through the woods outside Seattle in a rented car, heading toward a nature reservation near Mt. Rainer.
Mt. Rainer. He was not going to Mt. Rainer.
The sun was starting to set when Zak finally reached the area of the sightings, helpfully signposted. No one was around. He walked along a narrow dirt path, climbing up to a sheer dirt overhang.
Down by the ground at the base of the overhang was a tiny burrow. Peeking out of the burrow was a tiny two-headed squirrel. It got agitated as Zak got near, but hung around.
Zak looked at it for a while, took some photos, then thought. What he needed was a snappy headline, and the rest of the article would write itself. Let's see... how about, Two Headed Squirrel Attacks Tabloid Reporter? No, not dramatic enough. Two Headed Squirrel Devours Seattle and Tacoma? Too dramatic. And hokey. Vicious Tabloid Reporter Turns Two-Headed Squirrel Into Monster? That was about the truth of it, thought Zak sourly.
God, he hated his job.
A few minutes later, Zak had a headline nutted out. The two-headed squirrel was still here, staring at him curiously. Zak felt around in his pockets, and took out some peanuts he'd taken from the plane. He put them down on the ground in front of the squirrel. The two heads darted down, as one. They munched away. Then suddenly the squirrel turned and ran into its burrow. Zak heard the patter of tiny paws fade, and start to echo. They lasted for a surprisingly long time.
Hmmm. So the two-headed squirrel had a big burrow. So what? But Zak was starting to feel some life in his veins. That journalistic sixth sense he never could figure out. He looked at the overhang - dirt, quite loose dirt, was wedged between stone supports. It was at its loosest directly above the burrow.
Zak looked around. He picked up a sturdy stick, and scraped away.
Five minutes later he was a metre deep into the wall. The dirt came away absurdly easy, and as it went back the burrow widened. Now the stick was digging through the last layer of dirt, poking out into a wider space beyond.
Zak widened the gap, and squeezed through. The space before him was pitch dark, but somehow he could sense a large open area. The floor was dry dirt.
Zak reached into one pocket and lit his lighter. The light it gave it was shallow, and barely enough to see a metre ahead. Standing here at the new gap, walls curved away on either side, suggesting a circular space. They weren't dirt, but a strange gnarled stone. This must be a natural cave.
He walked along the left wall, and soon came to a niche about head height. In the niche was an old abandoned bird's nest, dry and prickly. Zak held it in one hand and kept on going.
Otherwise, the walls were featureless, uniformly covered in rills, gullies and fissures, like a wrinkly skin. Zak was coming to the faint patch of red/grey that indicated his exit, so he decided to cross the room.
Soon his foot struck a smooth stone, about half a foot wide. A circle of stones lay on the ground, here in the centre of the room. In the middle of the circle was a shallow pit.
He needed more light. Zak tossed the bird's nest into the pit. He then broke the stick up, and lay it over the bird's nest. He lit it.
The flames caught, and grew, and yellow light streamed past him. The walls glowed in response, and suddenly Zak was lost in wonder.
The colours. What had been featureless stone was now a running patchwork of magma red, deepest blue, and fractured maroon. The colours blended, melted, and ran over each other, and reflected the flickering light. They were so bright that the dirt beneath Zak's feet glowed faintly, reflecting a pattern of red, blue and orange. It was a geological marvel.
There was one patch on the circular wall, smoother than usual, where a fourth colour could be seen. Yellow. A pattern of yellow dots. It reminded Zak of his dream, and the yellow dots on the map of the Earth.
Zak peered at them closer. He felt a little like Indiana Jones. Those dots weren't arranged slapdash in any old order, but clustered together, like an unfinished drawing. Acting on a wild impulse, Zak took his yellow crayon (still with him from his apartment), and joined up the dots. His lines were faint, stone not being a good drawing surface for crayon, but they were clear.
The shape was also becoming clear. Zak started to fill in the space between the lines. About five feet high and two feet wide, this was an Egyptian Ankh. The symbol of life. How it had got here, Zak had no idea.
All of a sudden, the stone surface fell away from his crayon, in a neat rectangle. It pulled to one side, and Zak realised he'd opened the door. The space beyond was a small square room, all bricked up. The mortar glowed and pulsed with blue light.
Zak walked inside. Right in the centre of the room, on a flat stone pedestal, was a yellow/grey pedestal, stepped like a pyramid. At the top of this pedestal was a red circular sensor, and above it was a shard of dark blue crystal, held in place by steel clamps.
The crystal Zak recognised instantly. He walked closer, in awe. What had he been drinking that night? This was one of the crystals from his dream. He remembered the strange machine, and the girl who stood beside it. Annie. He saw her most vividly, as if she stood beside him now. The image was half that of his dream, half that he'd seen on the TV.
Zak gasped. The Society for Ancient Wisdom. This was a definite artifact, just the thing Annie was appealing for on television. He reached out to touch the crystal. It was smooth, warm and somehow defied his sense of touch. The pulsing blue light of the walls was reflected and multiplied in the crystal. Vague, wispy forms of light wavered in its very centre.
But Zak couldn't pick it up. The steel clamps held it very firmly in place. He tried pressing the sensor, but nothing happened. Zak looked around, then ran back to the fire. He picked up a burning twig, raced back, and jammed the flame into the sensor.
The sensor flared. With a creak, the clamps released the crystal and fell back. Zak pulled the crystal from its metal socket, and instantly the light in the walls went out.
Zak made his way back outside, the crystal nestled snugly in his shirt pocket. It was too late to catch a flight back now, but tomorrow, first thing, he was heading back to San Francisco.

He didn't get much sleep that night. First, he typed out a small article about the squirrel. Two-Headed Squirrel On Ravenous Rampage In Pacific NorthWest! it was titled. He faxed the article to The National Inquisitor, along with a couple of pictures of smiling squirrel to be digitally altered into snarling beast. The whole thing would hit the front pages the next day.
The next morning, just as his article was being carted express around the country, Zak arrived at San Francisco Airport. He caught a bus back to the 14th avenue, and got off at Lou's Loans. Another sunny, quiet day in San Francisco. The construction was still going on at the far side of the avenue.
Zak walked along the pavement, to the thick red door of the Society for Ancient Wisdom. That sign was still there - "deposit artifacts in slot" - but Zak knocked, anyway.
He waited several minutes, but got no response. Zak looked at the crystal. He didn't want to part with this if no-one was interested in it.
Oh, hell, might as well take a risk. What have you got to lose?
Zak dropped it into the slot. He heard a high 'tink' as it hit the floor on the far side. Zak stood there and waited.
Nothing. Listless, Zak turned and looked around.
Behind him, the door opened, inward. "Hey, you!" said a female voice.
Zak turned. He could no more have disobeyed that voice than floated upside down. Here, standing in the doorway in front of a set of tall wooden stairs, was Annie Larris. Wearing dark pants and a purple sweater, just like on her ads, and in his dream, but the reality was so much more arresting than images. She looked at him, an expression of urgent curiosity on her face. "Where did you get that artifact?" she asked.
"Never mind that!" Zak managed to say. "You're the woman who was in my dream!"
"What a line!" said Annie admiringly. There was a current of friendly irony in her voice, and somehow Zak knew he wasn't being laughed at.
A thoughtful expression, which looked lovely on her, crossed her face. "Wait... I had a dream too. I was in a strange room with a strange man." Her eyes, staring at Zak, widened with recognition. "IT WAS YOU!"
Her shocked voice sent electric shivers through Zak's body.
Unbelievingly, Annie was beckoning him inside. "Come with me."

He followed her up the stairs, to a second floor room covered wall-to-wall in bookshelves. A place where regular activity kept away the dust and the cobwebs. The bookshelves held thick, leather-bound volumes, just some of the Society's collected Ancient Wisdom. They could have held the Encyclopaedia Britannica or Monty Python scripts for all Zak cared. He was watching Annie, who stood in the centre of the room and started to talk, returning his gaze steadily.
"My two friends and I had special dreams sent to us by the Ancient Ones," she began. "You're the one they told us about."
"Me?" said Zak, wondering who the two friends were. "But why-"
"I see you're sceptical," said Annie. "You'll soon change your mind." She walked along the wall, where a chart hung from the ceiling, all curled up. "In the dream we shared, we saw a strange device which we must build. Here's a drawing of it."
Annie pulled down the chart. It was a diagram, an exact diagram, of the machine Zak had seen in his dream. The metal chassis, the three outstretched metal arms, and in them crystal shards of yellow, cyan and blue. Zak came forward and looked closer. "Yep, that's it," he said softly.
"The blue crystal you brought me is a part of this device," continued Annie, holding the crystal in her right hand. Zak noticed her thin, curled fingers and smooth fingernails. She turned from the diagram and picked something up off a bookshelf. "This is another part of it." She offered it to Zak. "Here."
Zak took a fragment of yellow crystal from her warm, soft hand. It was smooth, like the blue crystal, except for the jagged fracture lines.
"When whole," said Annie, "this yellow crystal shard will let you join my friends on Mars."
Another piece of the jigsaw puzzle fell into place for Zak. Melissa China and her companion on Mars - they were Annie's friends! Dreams in which an alien told you how to convert your van into a spaceship. Amazing.
"Of course," continued Annie, "you'll need a spacesuit."
"Ummm," said Zak. "A spacesuit?"
Annie remembered something. "Oh yes, here's your artifact back." Zak took the blue crystal from her and stared at it, baffled. For one moment everything had seemed crystal clear and precise, but now he was getting all confused again.
"From now on," said Annie, looking at him again, "we will all share knowledge through our dreams. Be careful! If one of us dies, it will be impossible for us to complete our mission!"
"Our mission?" said Zak. "And that is...?"
Annie's gaze was like iron - implacable. "Aliens are using subsonic impulses to dumb down the population. We've got to build the Skolarian device and stop them!"
Zak grinned. "Well now. I might just be able to help you there..."

A few hours later, Zak was on a transatlantic flight bound for Katmandu, Nepal.
This was mostly Annie's idea. She and Zak had talked for hours, going over the individual signs in their dreams. She was most interested in the map Zak had made, and they spent a long time puzzling out the significance of each yellow dot.
Somewhere in all this, Annie started talking about Swami Holanwanda, a buddhist guru from Nepal. She thought that Holanwanda might know the secret behind the blue crystal.
The name was naggingly familiar to Zak. Suddenly, it became clear. Zak reached into his back pocket, and took out the slim book he'd bought from the Hare Krishna. Yep, it was the same - Swami Holanwanda, author of 'How to Improve your Consciousness and Lower your Golf Scores'. The photo on the back jacket was of a serene, smiling man, whose head and lanky beard were enveloped in a gentle yellow glow - some clever backlighting techniques. Almost immediately, Zak decided to head for Nepal.
And so now here he was, disembarking in the Nepal passenger lounge, and walking out into the smoggy, rarefied air of Katmandu. Mountains loomed around on all sides, separated by deep folds in the earth, but the sky above was blue. Definitely worth the two thousand six hundred dollars or so the ticket had cost.
Among the oriental pleasures of Katmandu was its unusual transport system. Zak didn't take a taxi, or a rickshaw, or even ride a bike. Instead, he sat atop a shaggy yak, around whose thick neck hung a CashCard machine. The yak led him through the narrow streets of Katmandu. It seemed to know where it was going, so Zak let it alone, enjoying the wonderful peaked architecture of the city.
They climbed up steep cobbled streets, negotiated thin alleys, always seeming to take the back route. Finally the yak ended up on a narrow rise, affording a view over the whole city.
Zak got off the leather saddle of the yak, and looked around. The yak had chosen a resting place right between two buildings. On his right was a squat, strong looking building whose lower half was built of red brick. The door was reinforced and there were bars on the windows. Zak couldn't read the sign above the door, but by all signs this was some kind of jail.
The building on his right was a low concrete compound, whose street front was decorated with large rectangular designs of woven bamboo. No signs or otherwise indicated the purpose of the building. But standing in front of the twin doors was a tall man, bearded, wearing a purple turban. His hands were by his sides, and he stared forward patiently.
Zak walked toward him. The man - guard? - didn't react to his presence. His eyes didn't flicker. But when Zak got close enough to reach the doors, the guard suddenly spoke. "Only devotees of Guru may enter," he said, pleasantly but implacably.
Luckily Zak was prepared for this. Without a word, he pulled his well-thumbed copy out of his back pocket (Zak had spent a lot of the flight mercilessly thumbing the book, for a need such as this) and showed it to the guard.
The guard's face lit up. "Oh! I see you are a follower of Guru!" he said. "You may enter." He stood aside deferentially, opening the door.
Zak bowed, and walked inside.

He was in a passage, a multicoloured passage that went back to a small firelit room, from which came faint chanting noises.
Zak looked around at the passage. The walls were cyan, almost gunmetal, and adorned by rectangles of yellow and blue. Steel girders supported the ceiling above him. It was strangely militaristic for a monastery.
He came to a bulletin board, flush against one wall. Zak stopped and examined it. The first and largest piece of paper was an advertising flyer. "Buy 'How to Improve your Consciousness and Lower your Golf Scores', available at airports around the world." It seemed Swami Holanwanda was going into business. Tacked next to the flyer was a certificate, with curly borders and ornate handwriting. In brief, it was "Awarded to Swami Holanwanda: For a record-shattering score of nineteen at Pebble Beach." And last, down in the lower right-hand corner, was a small postcard. It held a picture of the Swami and an African Shaman playing golf. The Swami Zak already knew; the African Shaman had dark chocolate skin, and wore an enormous blue mask. Zak looked at him a while, but could not place the face (indeed, the face was hidden). Finally, he picked up the postcard and pocketed it.
He walked on. The passage came to a narrow entrance. In the chamber beyond, the floor was purple and covered in a long, hand-woven rug. The walls were stellar black. Against one was an enormous bronze statue, reaching up to the ceiling, of a kingly figure rising from his throne. His right hand rested on his enormous sword, and his left held aloft a burning torch. Either side of the statue were two tall candelabras, each bearing three lit candles.
It was in front of the statue that Swami Holanwanda floated, a foot off the ground, his legs curled together in the lotus position, his hands pressed together, and chanting softly. Swami Holanwanda wore white pants, and was naked from the waist up. It didn't really matter, as his beard, white and stringy, had grown a lot since the author photo and now stretched down right to his belt.
Zak paused in the entranceway, astonished. Even as he did so the Swami looked around, with eyes beady and alert. He instantly spied Zak, and floated toward him, as if sitting on an invisible magic carpet. He stopped a couple of feet away, faintly bobbing up and down, and looked steadily at Zak.
Finally he spoke. "You've kept yourself karmically clean, and you have the Blue Crystal with you," he announced. His voice was mesmerising, hypnotic - the kind that could make a fortune if it ever went into telemarketing. "I will now teach you how to use it. It will put you in a state of deep rapport with any animal. Simply focus..." The Swami exhaled, closing his eyes.
Zak paid close attention.

One hour later.
"...and then," continued the Swami, "you saute it in yak butter with a clove of garlic over medium heat..."

Two hours later.
"...and he says 'that was no lady, that was my wife!' Get it? Ha ha ha!"

Three hours had passed. Zak was starting to fidget.
But fortunately the Swami appeared to be reaching the end of his instruction. "...and it only works if you are in some contact with the Earth," he said. "Now go out there and do some good!"
Zak bowed before him, and retreated. Outside, he sought out the yak, and slowly they made their way back to the airport. The whole way down, Zak stared at the postcard. Who was the Shaman?

From Katmandu, Zak flew to Kinshasa, Zaire. He might not recognise the shaman, but that ritual headdress looked familiar - central African, without doubt. Once in Kinshasa, Zak took the postcard around to a few likely sources, finally finding someone who could identify the man. This someone also offered transport, which Zak gladly accepted.
He was driven for several hours through jungle and veldt, but strangely the guide declined to drive the last few metres to the shaman's village, for reasons that seemed highly suspicious to Zak.
So Zak was left alone, on a winding path deep in the darkest jungle, with only his guide's assurance that the village was nearby. Zak paused, listening for anything important (just the high screetch of jungle insects), and eventually set out. He was prepared for the eventual meeting, both with the Shaman and anything else remotely dangerous - in one hand Zak held a golf club (a sand wedge), brand new and reassuringly weighty.
The path of soft brown dirt wound round trees and under lianas. The air around was hot and stuffy. Zak was surrounded by a black cloud of bloodsucking insects. Several times he heard ominous crashing noises, far off. But the guide was true to his word - the trees thinned out, and soon Zak came into the open, on a flat plain under burning blue skies. The kind of terrain a pride of lions might make their own.
Several yellowgrass huts were clumped here together, all the same size except for one near the middle, which was wider and taller. Nobody was in sight. No campfires burned. Had the villagers been eaten by lions? A little spooked, Zak approached the largest hut. He didn't feel better when he saw the collection of spikes around the hut, and the strangely shrunken skulls fixed on them.
The low, curving doorway was shaded shut by a curtain of hanging grass shoots. Curiously, two signs were affixed to the hut's exterior, either side of the doorway: CASHCARDS ACCEPTED, and THE DOCTOR IS IN.
Zak breathed in, and parted the curtain. He stepped inside.
It was like stepping into a different world. The ground was covered in polished floorboards. The walls were studded with purple tiles. A chandelier (?!!??) hung from the ceiling, illuminating the room.
Almost the entire place was bare, except for a low wooden desk in the centre. At this desk, sitting in a plush chair, was the African Shaman. The very same from the postcard - enormous blue facial mask, green and yellow loincloth, and otherwise bare brown skin.
He immediately got up. "Hello, hello!" said the Shaman cheerily. "What can I do for you?" He had a jolly voice which was totally at odds with the fearsome mask.
Zak looked at the Shaman, and behind him to a set of certificates and notices stuck to the wall. There was a diploma from Watsamatta University (Master of Cranial Diminishment), and another from Kinshasa Medical School (Witch Doctor First Class). Next to these was a photo of the Shaman and the Swami, on a golf course no less. And in the corner were a set of golf clubs, in a zebrahide bag.
Zak relaxed a little. His preparation had not been in vain.
He brought out the golf club from behind his back and offered it to the Shaman. The Shaman's eyes lit up. "A Golden Boar Sand Wedge! Just what I needed for my set!" He stood, taking the golf club in reverent hands, and placed it into his bag. At the door, he turned to Zak. "Come, my friend," he said.
Zak followed him outside. Two young tribesmen had gathered here, by the fireplace, wearing identical loincloths but no masks. They stood side by side and said nothing.
"We will perform the sacred dance taught to us by the Ancient Ones," said the Shaman. "Watch carefully. It is said to 'unlock the door to the Head'."
The Shaman was joined at the fireplace by the two tribesmen. They danced around its stone circle, shuffling and leaping in a breakdance motion. Three times they danced around the circle, then they drew back and stood in a line, the Shaman slightly apart.
The Shaman looked at the fireplace. With a whoosh, flames leapt up from the kindling. The fire burning, the Shaman joined his tribesmen in a single narrow line. They turned and faced Zak.
The tribesman on the right bent his knees. Then the tribesman in the middle did the same. Twice. Then the tribesman on the right, then the Shaman, then the tribesman on the right.
Zak was puzzled. Was this some sort of code?
The tribesmen dispersed. "Don't forget what you have seen!" said the Shaman to Zak, sternly. "Remember, I cannot help you until you bring the yellow crystal!" Then he too disappeared.
Zak looked around. Eventually, he started back.

Mars, Roman god of war. A planet of ochre dust, high, cold winds, peaked mountains and plains littered with bronze, rusty red rocks.
Inside their converted, spaceworthy van, Leslie Bennett woke with two things uppermost in her mind: a strange dream where African natives performed a cryptic ritual; and the determination to get off her backside and do something. It was two days now they'd been here, and not a peep from the aliens.
Leslie struggled to her feet, hampered by her cumbersome purple spacesuit, and refilled her oxygen tanks using the van's supply. Then she swung the door open and looked around.
The view was now familiar to Leslie, but may need a little explanation for the rest of us. Essentially, they had landed in the area of Zak's dream. On her left, looming high above, was a huge stone temple, its outside worn and featureless. On Leslie's right, some distance away, was a pyramid of ancient stone. Connecting the two was a thin steel railway, on which was a bare carriage, nearby. Leslie and Melissa had tried it earlier - it didn't work.
Nothing much seemed to work around here. Near the carriage was a low squat building, seemingly built from metal. There was a metal plate by the door, holding messages in many strange languages. One of them was English: "Welcome, space travellers. Please leave the Friendly Hostel as you found it." Leslie and Melissa had tried to get inside earlier, but only gotten as far as a cluttered, rusting airlock. A fault somewhere in the machinery prevented them from closing the outer door, which meant they couldn't open the inner door without depressurising the whole place.
All in all, there wasn't much to do. The only doorway they'd found on the temple was closed. Three buttons loomed on it, far above, but despite pressing all of them, separately and in turn, no luck. The pyramid was too far to walk - they'd run out of oxygen. There was a black monolith next to the Hostel which, surprisingly, accepted CashCards. One hundred dollars bought them a small token, which could be used to take a ride on the carriageway between the temple and the pyramid. But of course the carriage wasn't working.
Leslie saw all this. She saw Melissa China standing in front of her, a few metres away, patiently maintaining a lookout. These last two days they'd swapped duties, one sleeping while the other watched. Well, no more. She was going to do something, by God.
She turned to the van and opened the side door. Inside, she opened up the glove compartment and rummaged through their meagre repair tools. Soon she found what she wanted - a fuse.
Leslie shut everything and walked over to Melissa.
"Seen anything?" she shouted. The atmosphere on Mars might be thin and unbreathable (composed almost entirely of carbon dioxide), but it did conduct sound. The main barriers to communication were these bulky glass helmets.
"Not a thing," Melissa shouted back. "God, this place is starting to give me the creeps."
Leslie entered the Hostel airlock. Soon, she found what she was looking for - a metal plate, screwed shut. Leslie removed the screws with her token from the monolith, and pulled the plate out. Behind was a row of fuse wire, and one of them had blown. Quickly Leslie pulled the strands of fuse wire out and put her spanking new one in place. Getting up, she tried the outer door again.
It clanked shut, and Leslie heard a low hydraulic whoosh as the airlock was repressurised. Finally a light above the inner door changed from red to green. Leslie pulled it open, and entered the Hostel.
It was no five-star affair. In just one small, metal room, Leslie saw two beds bunked above each other, a grey metal cabinet, and a ladder stretched back against one wall. The floor beneath her feet clanked as Leslie walked inside. Disappointment was mixed with a sort of relief - well, at least they hadn't been stuck outside some leisure land for two days.
She tried the cabinet first. There was just one thing inside, but very useful - a flashlight. Leslie flicked it on and off, and found the beam was wide and strong.
Leslie took another look around the room. It was pretty bare, and dusty. There was nothing here...
...but that ladder looked useful. Leslie clanked over, and picked it up. It was a thin metal ladder, pretty lightweight. She could carry it easily.
Leslie did carry it easily, taking it back out to the airlock. She waited for the room to depressurise, then walked outside, heading toward the temple.
She approached Melissa. "I'm going to try the temple door again," Leslie said.
"Oh. Okay," said Melissa. "I'll just wait around for a few more minutes."
Soon Leslie stood before the temple. Up close, it was an impressive, towering thing, with such a look of rough-hewn toughness that it was as if Nature, builder of mountains and cliffs, had decided to have beat at one stroke the best man could produce.
The door was an extension of this philosophy. Twenty foot high and an unguessable thickness, it was flat and featureless except for a series of three buttons. The first was twelve feet above the ground, a stone disc a foot wide and protruding slightly, while the others were slightly lower and to the left. Looking at them, Leslie was reminded again of her dream. The pattern of these buttons was so similar to that of the African natives.
Leslie lined the ladder up against the door. She climbed up and pressed the first button. It sank an inch into the door, making a grinding noise, then rebounded as Leslie released her pressure.
She pressed the middle button twice, the right button, the left button, and the right button again. As Leslie pressed the last button home, the huge door began to swing ponderously open.
The ladder, perched against the door and still bearing Leslie's weight, started to slip. Leslie screamed as, holding the ladder tightly, she crashed down to earth.
The door stopped, open at a ninety degree angle. Wincing, Leslie picked herself up. She rubbed her knees - they hurt like all hell - and looked at the space once hidden by the door.
Not six feet away was a wall of grey strips. She could see something beyond - something huge and spacious and golden - thinly perceived in the gaps between the grey strips, which looked like a space-age metal.
Leslie stopped rubbing her knees and walked forward. The grey strips looked solid, but they parted in front of her like transparent sheets of rubber. Then she was inside the temple.
A massive chamber, larger than an aircraft hanger, stretched out in front of her. Giant golden arches crisscrossed the roof, running down to the floor in huge fluted columns. The walls were built from gold and bronze bricks. Set along the left wall at regular intervals were three bronze slabs, embossed with a helmeted face, eyes staring and mouth open.
It felt like she was in some kind of cathedral. A fairly empty cathedral, at that. The floor was bare, excepting two enormous metal statues. The first was a thin, regal Egyptian king sitting on a stylised throne; the second, much the same, except it wore an Aztec headdress.
Leslie came forward, staring at them. There were a group of strange markings, low on the throne of the second statue. From a distance, they seemed familiar.
Closer, Leslie saw a simple outline, in yellow, of an I. She looked at it a while, and finally gave up.
Those doors on the left wall interested her. As she got nearer, Leslie saw something else - a thin pedestal, ten feet high, was mounted just to the left of the door. Gripped by metal claws at the top of the pedestal was a large blue crystal sphere, whose surface glimmered transparent and milky white as she came closer.
Leslie stopped, looking at the sphere. Then she went to get the ladder. Soon she returned, and put the ladder up against the pedestal. Leslie climbed up, until her face was level with the sphere. She reached out her gloved hands and gently pushed the sphere.
Immediately a low chewing noise filled the air. The sphere flashed from the inside with an awesome array of psychedelic colours. The open mouth of the door flashed too, in unison. As the colours deepened, the noise grew louder and more fractured, rising steadily through the octaves. Volume rose to an almighty crescendo.
It suddenly flicked off. And at the same time, the enormous face of the door swung back, revealing a long narrow tunnel.
"Waycool earstuff!" enthused Leslie. "Those old aliens sure played herenow noizbop!" She climbed down, and peered inside. Very quickly the light faded into utter blackness. She turned on the flashlight, and walked on.
She was in a straight tunnel, on whose left wall were a number of doors, irregularly spaced. Each door had a different colour border - it might be green, or gold, or blue, or a black and white pattern. As near as she could tell, shining her flashlight into them, the doors merely led to more passages. She was in a maze.
It was so quiet. In the two days she'd been here, Leslie had grown used to the high squall of the Martian winds. It was a constant background noise. But not here. Here, the only sound was her space boots, clanging noisily on the metal floor. The only light came from her flashlight, a hopelessly meagre beam that barely illuminated twelve feet. That the whole temple felt dead - worse than that, felt fossilised - was not much comfort.
She was coming to the end of the line. Up ahead, the passage stopped at one final leftward door, its border black and white. Leslie looked back fearfully (the light of the great chamber was so distant - a mere golden postage stamp surrounded by night), then walked inside.
After a couple of twists and turns, the doorway came out in another passage, straight and level and possibly perpendicular to the first. She was at one end - to her left the passage continued, past more doors. Leslie suddenly realised she could get lost in here. She turned to the door she'd emerged from, and noted the yellow border with her torch. Then she walked on.
Past a green door, past a purple door, past a blue door. They were nothing more than gaping black rectangles. But this passage too, came to an end, at another door bordered with black and white.
She was getting further and further from the light. But Leslie steeled herself and walked on.
The doorway led her to another passage, straight as before, yawning away on her left. Determined, Leslie passed a green door, and came to a purple door.
It wasn't the end of the passage. But she stopped. And listened.
There it was; the faintest noise - a distant hum. Leslie looked at the purple door. It might have been a trick, but there seemed to be the faintest hint of grey light.
She walked inside. The passage curved left, then right, and there could be no mistaking it - there was a light source somewhere up ahead.
Past a final curve, and she came to it. A small room, lit from above by bars of grey light. But the walls and ceiling were black, the utter black of space. It was the grey floor, and the machine resting on it, that enabled Leslie to guess the dimension of the room.
The machine was huge, the size of old 1950's computers. But it didn't look all that complicated. Basically, it was split into three thirds. The leftmost third, and rightmost third, held huge sliding switches, both pulled down into the closed position. In the middle were two flat, easy-to-read gauges. The top gauge had a scale that went from blue through yellow to green, before finishing in red. The needle was in the blue region. The bottom gauge was simpler - red throughout, except for a small green region. The needle was in the red region, well removed from the green area.
It did not take much thought to work out what these gauges represented. The top one must be the temperature of the temple - at the moment, pretty bloody freezing. The second gauge measured the breathability of the atmosphere, at the moment not good.
The machine hummed along steadily. Leslie was hesitant at first, but eventually she got enough courage to pull up the left switch. Immediately the machine kicked smoothly into gear. The needle on the temperature gauge began to inch into the yellow zone.
Leslie heaved up the right switch. The machine took it in its stride, its volume doubling. She began to feel air pressure on her space suit.
She looked at the needles. The top gauge was now fully in the green zone, and steady. Leslie watched the bottom needle inch closer and closer to the green region. The noise from the machine got higher and higher - like the sound of the last few drops of bathwater gurgling down the pipe.
The needle clicked home. Leslie tensed herself, took a deep breath, and pulled off her helmet.
The air around her was dry and warm. She took a shallow breath. The air was stale, but breathable. Relieved, Leslie breathed in deeply. It felt so good to be back in open air. Her hair, especially, had not been too fond of the past few days stuck in this glass fishbowl. She teased at it, letting the roots breathe in.
Soon enough, holding the helmet in one hand, Leslie retraced her steps. Head uncovered, she felt a lot bolder walking back through the dim tunnels.
She only made one wrong turning, but it put her way out of course. So it was that Leslie came to a wholly unfamiliar passage. Puzzled, she chose a doorway at random.
A twisting passage led to another lit room. A regular, rectangular room, that oddly reminded Leslie of bank vaults and boardrooms.
Nearly the whole length and breadth of one wall was taken up by a map of the world, which Leslie studied, amazed. It wasn't quite exact, and there were yellow dots of light in completely uninhabited areas. But it looked familiar to Leslie, in addition to obviously being a map of the world, and Zak would have recognised it utterly - this was the ancient world map from his dream.
To the right of the map was a tiny alcove. In it was a schematic of a reclining figure, which Leslie eventually recognised as the Egyptian Sphinx. Its left front leg, and some spot deep in its chest, were covered in yellow squares. Leslie stared at them, but came to no conclusions.
Below the schematic was a small square, decorated with another yellow pattern. It was a box, split vertically by two lines. The shade of yellow was exactly that of the statue, back in the great chamber.
Leslie looked at these a long time, memorising the details. Then she walked back outside. It didn't take her long to work out her mistake - she'd gone through a purple door instead of a black-and-white one. In a matter of seconds she was back in the great lit expanse of the chamber.
Leslie walked over to the second door, taking the ladder with her. There was a pedestal here too, but its crystal sphere was cracked and dim. Leslie looked at it, wondering how she was going to get the door open. Perhaps...
She heard a shout. Leslie turned around and there was Melissa, hurrying toward her. Melissa still had her helmet on, but Leslie could see the puzzled expression on her face.
"You can take your helmet off!" shouted Leslie. "There's an atmosphere cycler in here!"
Melissa looked most dubious at this piece of advice, but nonetheless pulled the helmet off. With a nervous expression on her face, she took a small breath of air. Quickly her face cleared. Melissa laughed, and breathed in deeply. "Oh, that's great!" she said, and shook her head. Her blonde hair, which was bound up in the helmet, fell down to her shoulders.
She looked at Leslie again. "What have you been up to?" she asked wonderingly.
"Not much," said Leslie. "Melissa, can I get you to do something?"
"What? God, this air is great."
"Could you go to the van and get the boombox?" asked Leslie.
Melissa's smile sagged. "Oh... okay," she said, then turned and trudged off.
"Don't forget to put on your helmet!" called out Leslie behind her.
Melissa scowled, gathering up her hair. Leslie watched her a moment longer, then picked up the ladder.

Melissa reached the van, and clambered inside. The boombox, a writeable DAT inside, was perched on the dashboard, and had provided a lot of relief on their flight here. Melissa refilled her oxygen tanks, then picked up the boombox. She started back toward the temple.

Leslie, meanwhile, had perched her ladder at the third and final pedestal. With a single press of her gloved hands, the crystal sphere glowed, shrieked, and the doorway opened. The noise was exactly the same as that of the first crystal, and Leslie's hunch intensified.
She would have gone further, but here came Melissa, her helmet off again, and the boombox in her free hand.
Melissa set the boombox down on the ground. "What on earth do you want it for?" she asked.
"I've just got a hunch," said Leslie, remaining on the ladder. "Start recording when I say, and don't say anything."
Leslie reached for the sphere. "Play," she said. Melissa pushed REC. Leslie's hands brushed the sphere.
Immediately that alien sound filled the air. Melissa's eyes widened, but she managed to bottle her exclamation. For five seconds the sound went on, as the colours of the sphere cycled and the mouth flashed.
Then it all turned off, and the door crashed shut.
"You can stop it now," said Leslie, climbing down. Melissa stopped the tape. Leslie picked up the boombox. "Come on."
"Where are we going?" asked Melissa, trailing behind.
Leslie didn't say anything. Soon it became pretty obvious - the second door, the one with the defective pedestal.
"Aaah," said Melissa, understanding dawning.
Leslie set down the boombox, and pulled the volume control fully open. "You might want to cover your ears," she advised, then pressed play.
A deafening cacophony filled the air, slightly masked by static but otherwise a pretty good copy. And to Leslie's delight, the mouth of the door was flashing in response.
The noise got louder, until even Leslie had to cover her ears. Then it all cut out.
Leslie and Melissa uncovered their ears. Simultaneously the door swung open, and a great crashing noise came from the boombox, followed by a muffled voice booming 'You can stop it now.'
Then it really stopped. Leslie, bells pealing in her ears, stopped the tape. "Bit too much volume," she said, barely able to hear her own voice.
"What?" shouted Melissa. "God, that was loud."
Leslie pushed the boombox to one side. They waited until the ringing in their ears subsided, then walked on, Leslie leading the way with her flashlight.
They were in a straight tunnel, with not a door on either side. They walked on in silence, finally coming to a single blue door.
It opened on a tiny lit room, markedly different from the rest of the temple. The bricks were mud brown, clay and adobe. The roof and floor were a rich red, and golden yellow. There was something wonderfully human about the imperfection and decay here. But there, in the centre of the room, was a copy of the Egyptian statue from the main chamber, sitting regally on his throne. It looked out of place.
"Wow," said Melissa.
In the right fist of the statue was a tiny golden Ankh, the Egyptian symbol of life. Leslie walked forward and picked it up.
The room was plunged into darkness. Melissa yelped. But Leslie held onto the Ankh. Taking a final look around with the flashlight, she guided Melissa back along the tunnel. They were going to try that third door.

"Ready?" Leslie asked.
Melissa, her ears covered, nodded.
Leslie pushed the globe. After five seconds of noise, the third door swung open. Leslie swung the torch beam inside - it was as dark as the others.
"Come on," said Leslie.
Melissa followed her along the passageway. "What are we looking for?" she asked.
"I'm not sure. Anything unusual."
This passage, too, was straight and doorless. It ended, as before, in a single door. They entered.
This probably qualified as something unusual.
They were in a strange rhomboid-shaped room, the majority of which was cut off from them by a grid of flickering red lasers. Leslie and Melissa might be ordinary earth girls, but they knew a force field when they saw one.
Behind the force field was a strange, ribbed machine that looked like a galactic space scooter, a motorbike for outer space. It was pointed at a tall glass tube, two feet wide and ten feet tall, which was mounted against the far wall like a single, empty vacuum tube. Both the tube and the machine rested on a carpet of uniform blue. Hanging on another wall were two keys, one the size of Leslie's hand, one at least three feet long and looking impossibly heavy.
That was what they couldn't reach. What they could reach, this side of the force field, was a single panel mounted on one wall. It was golden coloured and had a gap in the middle, the size and shape of Leslie's Ankh.
Leslie fitted the Ankh to it. Instantly the force field vanished. Leslie and Melissa came forward into the room, and looked over the machine.
"What does it do?"
"No idea."
Melissa, poking around, found a red switch at the back. "I wonder what this does," she said, and pressed it.
The machine began to power up. Lights flashed on. And from the interior of the machine came a tiny focused beam of polarised purple light. It was bent and redirected by several mirrors, until it pointed squarely at the glass tube. Where it came to a final black lens, and was split into a wide cone. The cone of light splashed onto the tube, and within a holographic figure appeared - a tall, blue-headed alien, with green eyes and a black suit. Zak might have recognised him from his dream. Melissa and Leslie recognised him instantly - this was the alien that had told them how to convert their van into a space craft.
This machine was obviously some kind of projector. The alien, tall and imposing, began to speak, and they got the impression that this was some kind of prerecorded message.
"Greetings!" he said, in easily recognisable English, the voice emanating from a speaker somewhere. Speaking confidently, he began to explain. "Our race departed this dimension fifty millennia ago. We, the Skolarians, were your guardians. We knew of the corrupt Caponians and took steps to protect you. They will subvert the earth with their deadly machines. We sent you dreams to lead you here. You must construct our device - the Skolarian device - to neutralise the Caponian menace. Use these keys to obtain the Power Crystal."
Leslie's eyes flicked right, to the keys hanging on the wall. "Hurry," urged the Skolarian, "before they stop you." He turned away, then swung back. "Greetings," he said.
The message had looped. Melissa pressed the button again, and the projector shut off. Leslie walked over to the wall and picked up the smaller key. She reached for the larger, but as soon as her suit touched it, the entire key crumbled to dust.
She and Melissa looked at the one remaining key. "So," said Melissa finally, "what's this key for?"

In a seedy hotel in downtown Kinshasa, Zak took an afternoon nap. He rarely slept during the day, and when he did he never dreamed.
But he dreamed now. He dreamed of an enormous hall, stretching out before him, and a massive Mexican statue. He saw a strange marking, in yellow, on a plaque at the base of the statue. Then he skipped forward in time, to a small room with a giant map of ancient earth. There he saw a diagram of a Sphinx, marked by yellow squares, and another strange marking below, again in yellow. He skipped forward again, to a small room with high tech machinery, and a blue alien that, even in his dream, Zak recognised. The alien talked for a long time.
Then he woke up. Zak stretched out and, before the details faded, noted down his dream on a nearby sheet of paper. Well, now. He had a name for his TPC aliens - the Caponians.
After a moment's consideration, Zak called Annie.
The phone was picked up. "Hello, Society for Ancient Wisdom, Annie Larris speaking."
"Annie? It's Zak."
"Zak?" said Annie. "Hello! How was the African Shaman?"
Zak shook his head. "Not much use really, although he did say he'd be able to help me when I got the yellow crystal. Listen, Annie, I- I just had a dream. I think we should head for Egypt."
"The Sphinx, you mean?" said Annie.
Zak was amazed. "Yeah! How'd you know?"
He could almost hear Annie shrug, five thousand miles away. "I've just had this image in my mind for the past hour. So, I'll meet you there, say, ten o'clock tomorrow?"
"Er... okay."
Annie sounded satisfied. "All right. See you." She hung up.
Zak replaced the headset. And about an hour later, he was at Kinshasa airport, boarding a three-hour flight to Cairo. He was starting to get worried about his monetary supply - all these flights had left him with fewer than five thousand dollars, with each flight seeming to average out at $800.
Nevertheless, he bought a ticket.
"Isolated African Tribe Worships Ancient Astronauts!" was the headline on the newsstand paper. This search of his was certainly paying off with some good stories.
The next day, having spent the night in a Cairo hotel, Zak took a tour bus out to the pyramids. He soon found Annie Larris, looking up at the mighty Sphinx. She still wore her purple sweater and black pants - the only concession to the overpowering heat was a faded safari hat.
She waved to him. "Hello, Zak!"
Zak came over, and looked up. "What is it for, anyway?" he asked.
"What?"
Zak pointed up. "The Sphinx."
"Probably some kind of guard," said Annie. Introductions over, she turned serious. "So, Zak, what did you see?"
Zak took it she was referring to his dream. "I saw a schematic depiction of the Sphinx, and it had two yellow squares covering certain parts."
"What parts?"
Zak didn't have to think. The left front leg, and somewhere deep in the body.
Annie started walking toward the left front leg. Zak followed her. They came to a massive bar of stone, mostly smooth. Twenty feet high and two hundred feet long - this was some leg.
They scanned the surface of the leg intently. After about two minutes, Zak called out. "Found something!"
"What?" said Annie. She turned to see Zak kneeling on the ground, in front of a collection of yellow dots, a yellow crayon in his hands. As she watched, Zak joined two dots together with a thin, careful line of crayon.
Zak concentrated. Guided by the dots, he drew a square. A vertical line here, a horizontal line there. In his square, he drew two vertical lines - the diagram from his dream.
There was a pause. Zak waited.
A section of the leg, eight feet square, swung back into the hollow space beyond. Sunlight fell on a tunnel of red bricks.
"Well, I wasn't expecting that," said Zak. He and Annie walked inside.

The red bricks soon fell behind, as they passed through a narrow doorway and into the first passage.
Zak was awestruck. Untouched by time and the ravages of dust, uninhabited by a single spider, a pristine hallway of warm, fiery colours stretched out before them. Hieroglyphs and symbols, of every size and shape known, plastered the walls in an ordered display of decoration. Light blue, brown, golden yellow, ochre orange, warm pink. And all lit as if under a noonday sun.
Forward they walked, reverently. The left wall, and only the left wall, held doorways leading further onward. Zak had heard plenty of stories about Egyptian mazes, and could guess what the doors signified.
There were two. One stood under a boat glyph, another under an image of a man pointing at the sun. "Which one?" asked Zak.
Annie looked at both. Eventually she said, "The doorway under the sun." Zak trusted her judgment, and followed her through.
It brought them to another passageway, much like the first. Here there were three doors - one under a boat, one under a sun, and one under three Egyptian men, in that stylised walk. "Which one?" asked Zak.
"The sun."
And so it went on. They walked through passage after passage, always going through the doorway under the sun. Zak started to worry about Annie's judgment. By his best guess, they were somewhere deep under the Sphinx.
But they came to a passageway with a completely different door - larger, and unornamented. Annie's tense face broke out in relief. "We're here," she said.
They walked through. The doorway brought them to a small room, paved with wide stone blocks. A single wall, on their left, held a small alcove. The back wall of this alcove contained three large yellow buttons, in a line, and a collection of hieroglyphs.
These last caused Annie to come forward, a studious expression on her face. "I can read these," she said to Zak.
"What do they say?"
Annie slowly translated. "First push the right button, then push the left button, and finally, push the centre button."
"Well, I could have worked that out," said Zak. Annie pushed the right button. It sank into the stone and stayed there. She pushed the left button, which did likewise. Then she pushed the centre button.
The gray, featureless wall all around the alcove fell away, to reveal a detailed schematic.
Zak was immediately drawn to the right hand side of the wall. There, in the lower corner, was a recognisable image. "This is a map of the Martin face!" Zak exclaimed. Above the image was a tripartite map of the face, recently explored by Melissa and Leslie.
Annie went to the left hand section, where she saw something equally interesting. "This is a map of the Martin pyramid!" she exclaimed. In the lower left hand corner was a grey pyramid, seen from above. The upper section, containing an interior map of the pyramid, was far more interesting. A path was drawn in the pyramid, slowly ascending, passing through two rooms.
"I should add this to my map," said Zak. He got out the yellow crayon and the faded paper, and started scribbling furiously. He was noticing other details, like how the face and the pyramid were joined by a thin line. The most interesting detail he saw, however, was a square of yet more yellow markings. Absurdly, they were an angular depiction of a smiling face. A dotted line ran from these markings to a room deep within the interior of the face.
"What do you think it means?" asked Zak, still scribbling.
"I don't know," said Annie, also memorising the contents. "But that yellow face looks important."
Soon, Zak was finished. "Well, I'm done," he said. "Is there anything else we need to do here?"
Annie looked around. "No, I don't think so," she said. "We can probably leave now." She walked out.
After many torturous turns, they were back out in the open. It was now noon and the sun was hotter than ever. Zak was sweating hard. "Gee, aren't you hot?" he asked Annie.
Annie didn't say anything. She certainly didn't look hot and bothered, like Zak. They walked back to the visitor centre. There would be a short wait for a tour bus, so they talked about what was coming up.
"Well, what do we do now?" asked Zak.
To his surprise, Annie didn't seem to know the immediate answer. "Well, what are our leads?"
Zak ran through them. "Well, one: there was that dream I had, with the Aztec statue in it. Perhaps there's something going on in Mexico."
Annie liked this. "You might be right there! I've been seeing Aztec images for a while now."
Zak continued, "Then there's the Bermuda Triangle. I think it's one of the yellow dots on my map. I'll want to check that out soon." Actually, this was being a bit disingenuous. This search for the crystals had proved a boon for Zak's blocked journalistic imagination. Already he was planning the headlines for a Bermuda Triangle story. Getting a crystal was a secondary consideration here.
"And then there's Peru," finished Zak. It was the only point on his map that they hadn't accounted for.
They decided to split up. Annie would head to Mexico, and Zak would check out the Bermudas. But they went back together on the tour bus, all the same.

The next day, Zak touched down in Miami. (Riddle Of The Silent Sphinx Solved! read his headline). It took a bit of effort, but eventually he was able to find a charter service that would take him out to the Triangle.
They were called Divine Wind Tours, and they weren't exactly top of the range. Not much later, Zak found himself in the copilot seat of a red biplane, which had a tendency to lurch alarmingly in the air.
Nevertheless, it was a fine day, and the sea far below a perfect blue. The pilot was enjoying it too. "I love the Triangle," he said, flying along. "You never know what to expect." He turned to Zak. "That's why I gave you a chute," he said.
Zak had been wondering what this bulky package down underneath his feet was.
"Hey, I got a good one for ya," said the pilot. "Heard about our basketball team for small people? They're called the 'Bermuda Shorts'! Ha ha ha!"
Zak groaned - softly, so's the pilot didn't hear.
It didn't matter much - the pilot seemed suddenly more occupied. He leant forward. "Uh, oh," he said in a low voice. "Not again!"
Zak looked around. "Hey!" he shouted, alarmed. "What's happening? Everything's fading. The water below is shimmering!"
The plane faded from view, as if it were flying into thick cloud. But the sky was perfectly clear.

The Caponian mothership, orbiting high above earth.
If you're thinking of a huge, fifty-mile-wide affair with jutting angles and gun turrets, think again. It's not like that. Imagine, instead, that the makers of the '50s Chevy had decided to make a small luxury spaceship, large enough for a twenty-alien spa and disco.
It was to this ship, dragged by a tractor beam, that the Divine Wind Tours plane was taken, coming to rest in a small metal hangar.
The pilot leapt down from the plane angrily, followed by a disbelieving Zak. "I hate it when this happens!" said the pilot, crossing to a panel of coloured buttons on the far wall. Zak followed him.
"Now, what was the combination?" said the pilot, staring at the buttons. "Oh yeah." He pushed the red button, twice, the purple button, and then the yellow button. "You comin' or stayin'?" he asked, walking back to the plane. The hangar was filled with a technological screech as the pilot climbed aboard. The whole plane was enveloped in a white glare.
When it faded, the plane was gone. Zak couldn't believe it. "Reporter Becomes 'Space Cadet' In Space Cadillac!" he said.
He examined his surroundings. Now that the hangar was empty, all he saw was the panel of colored buttons, and a doorway nearby.
Zak didn't stop to think, because he knew that if he did he'd never go through with it. He just opened the door.
He caught a glimpse of the room beyond, of walls of pipes and a window overlooking the earth. It was only a glimpse, because a Caponian guard, in black suit and yellow tie but his peanut head undisguised, was coming straight for him. "A captive!" he said eagerly. "Follow me to the King," he ordered.
Zak didn't see that he had much choice. He followed the guard inside. They passed the pipes, and came to the space in front of the window, which reached from the floor to the ceiling. There, on a ledge in front of the window, stood a Caponian wearing a white suit and white jacket, staring out the window. There was something familiar about those clothes.
"Oh King," said the guard reverently, "I have brought you a captive."
The King turned. And Zak recognised him.
The jacket was open to the waist, revealing a bare, slightly hairy chest. He wore gold chains around his neck, chains that dangled down to his waist. His eyes were dark and hypnotic. He exuded sexual menace. Put a mask on his horribly misshapen head, and you'd have Elvis Presley. Really.
Oh boy, thought Zak. A million tabloid headlines were flying through his mind.
The King realised something. "Ooops!" he said. He turned quickly, paused, then turned back. Same as before, except now he wore cool-as-hell sunglasses and a black wig. Now the fit was even more perfect.
"Ah see," said the King, looking down at Zak. "Now what shall we do with him?" He paced along the ledge, thinking. "Make him clean the meteor slime off our hull? Naw... Make him listen to New Age elevator music? Give money to him and toss him into a pit full of lawyers?"
Zak realised he was in a very tight spot. And he remembered his King Fan Club card. It had come the very day after he sent off the application, the application he'd gotten from the TPC offices. Now he pulled it out of his back pocket and brandished the thin card hopefully.
The King pulled up short. "Ah fan!" he said, instantly contrite. "Ah didn't know!" He looked at the guard. "My friend will show you how to leave. Come back'n visit any time, ya heah?"
The guard Caponian took him back out to the hangar and showed him a new combination - dark blue, then green pressed three times. "Enter this sequence to return home," said the guard. "See ya."
The whooshing noise began again, but Zak didn't head out to the hangar area. Instead, he followed the guard back into the main room. He seemed welcome here, and he wasn't leaving without some kind of intelligence.
The King stared out the window, and the guard stood behind and below him, respectfully. Zak didn't feel like disturbing either of them, so he walked past and here saw something interesting on the wall.
On a panel marked LOTTO, Zak saw four numbers. 5, 3, 2, and 8. These were apparently tomorrow's winning lotto numbers! Zak didn't know it, but he was looking at the Caponians' Lott-O-Dictor, one of their many ways of financing their earth stupidity campaign. Zak noted down the numbers very carefully. Then he returned to the hangar and this time entered the guard Caponian's combination.

Undramatically, Zak materialised in his bedroom.
There was no churning of the stomach, no bleeding of the eyes, just a mild disorientation. Zak got over that in about a second, thanks to the familiarity of his surrounds.
He walked down to the street, and headed for 14th Avenue. Zak had something he wanted to take care of at Lou's.
Lou was behind the counter, as always. "Hiya buddy," he greeted.
Zak walked over to the Lotto window. "I want to buy the Lotto ticket," he said.
"That'll be ten bucks, friend," Lou said. Zak handed over the CashCard and the transaction was done. Lou gave him a handset. "Good luck!"
Zak pinned in four numbers: 5, 3, 2, 8. "Gee, I hope I win!" he said smilingly. The handset chattered, and a small paper ticket came out the top. Zak took it.
"Come back after the numbers are picked and I'll tell ya if yer a winner," said Lou.
"Thanks!" said Zak. He left, and found a bus headed for the airport.

Annie, meanwhile, was in the Mexican jungle.
It wasn't Aztecs they were looking for, but Mayans, as Annie had realised once she looked at a few archaeological sketches - a civilisation that once occupied the Yucatán peninsula and most of Guatemala. That brought to mind the many fantastic examples of Mayan architecture: Palenque, Uxmal, Mayapan, Copán, Tikal, Uaxactún, and Chichén Itzá. Annie went over the list, and eventually decided to explore Mayapan.
And so now she stood before it, a massive stone pyramid that stretched up out of the jungle, in a series of stone steps. A staircase led up the main face of the pyramid to the top, where an open air temple had been built. And doorways leading inside the pyramid dotted the exterior.
Mayan pyramids, and Mayan buildings in general, didn't use arches. So passages tended to be tall and narrow. This was indeed the case, Annie found as she walked in at ground level. The passageway was dark, and from what the sunlight illuminated was dotted at regular intervals by doors and torches.
Annie went along the passage, lighting torches. Soon the illumination was good in here, amongst the gaping black doorways and smooth-set stone, and there was no way to determine which door to take. So she took one at random.
It led her to another passage, pitch-black. Eventually she found a torchholder and lit the dead wood inside. Soon this passage was lit, too, and it was exactly the same as the first. More sets of doors, all alike. Annie took another.
And another. Walking on and on, always lighting more torches. She knew she wasn't walking around in circles, as each new passage she came to was black. But it was disconcerting how many choices she had.
Before long she had found a series of short tunnels, connecting to as little as three doors each. From here, without warning, a door took her through to a small brick room, grey red and brown. A statue took up most of the room, a regal Mayan figure sitting on a throne. Leslie and Melissa would have recognised it from the face temple. As it was, Annie recognised it too, from her dreams.
In the right fist of the statue was a shard of yellow crystal. Annie tried to pick it up, but the metal fingers of the statue grasped it firmly.
She knelt down. On the front of the throne was a small square space, covered in yellow dots. Time for more join the dots? Probably. Annie's dreams had been pretty similar to Zak's, and she could remember the 'I' shape, seen at the bottom of the Mayan statue.
Now, with a tiny piece of Zak's yellow crayon, she got to work, joining up the dots into one 'I' diagram. With the last stroke of the crayon, the fingers of the statue fell back, releasing the crystal. Annie got up, and took it.
Zak should be pleased to see this.

Zak had one more piece of business to attend to, however - a trip to Peru. (The next day's headline, Alien Cadillac Cruiser Cause Of Bermuda Catastrophes!, was already taken care of).
His precise location was a bit of a guess, worked out by triangulating from his map, consulting various tourist brochures, and reading a couple of Shirley Maclaine autobiographies. Finally, he came to the place, a lookout over the upper reaches of the Ucayali river, and Zak knew he had come to the right place.
There, on the other side of the river, was a carving of an alien that took up the whole hillside. Slightly slanted, its grey body was thin but regular, and its right arm was raised in some kind of greeting wave. The eyes of the carving were blank and hollow, and Zak got the idea they might be gaps on hollow rooms in the hill.
There was no way to get across the river. There was, however, a bird feeder, and a sign: Ancient Incan Bird Feeder - feed only with dry bread crumbs. Zak was prepared - he'd bought some at the airport.
A black bird, the size of a swallow, was flying around overhead. Zak looked up at it. Perhaps this was a chance to use his blue crystal...
Zak tipped the bread crumbs into the feeder, then drew prudently back. After about a minute, the bird coasted downward and landed on the feeder. It pecked contentedly at the bread.
Zak crept forward, blue crystal in hand. He remembered the wise words of the Swami: "Not too little, not too much."
The tip of the crystal touched the bird's feathery back. It instantly froze. And from the crystal came a high-pitched squeal. Zak instantly drew back his hand. Involuntarily, his body began to spin, as if seized by invisible hands. Whirling faster and faster, his feet staggered away from the bird feeder. The dizzyness grew, and finally Zak fell over. His mind fled.

At that very instant in the Caponians' secret room...
Alien #1, undisguised, stood in front of the world map. A red bar above the map was flashing. A klaxon sounded. "It's happened!" he shouted. "IT'S HAPPENED!"
Alien #2, also undisguised, approached quickly. "What happened?" he asked.
His voice laced with horror, Alien #1 said, "Part of the device has been activated and tested!"
"We must recover the artifact at once!" said Alien #2.
"Yes, at once!" Alien #1 hurried toward the door and opened it.
"Wait!" shouted Alien #2. "Your disguise!"
Alien #1 stopped at the door. "My disguise?" Understanding dawned. "Oh! Almost forgot!" He opened a nearby closet. "My hat. My nose glasses." Each was taken and put on. Alien #1 marched over to #2. "How do I look?"
"Ugly," said Alien #2. "Just like a human!"
"Good! See ya!"

Zak was no longer in his body. He occupied the body of the bird, standing there on the bird feeder eating breadcrumbs. He felt strange, and a little lightheaded.
But he knew what he had to do. Flapping his wings, Zak rose into the air. Amazingly, flying seemed to be second nature to him. He flew across the river and approached the carven alien figure.
Those eyes were hollow. Zak flew up to the left eye. It was a gap about six feet long, opening on a room the size of a bus. Zak flew inside. The floor was bare, except for a single scroll of paper. Zak flew down and grasped it in his claw-like feet. Then he flapped back up, zooming back downwind toward his recumbent body.
Zak dropped the scroll on his body. Without the blue crystal, he didn't know how he was going to transfer his mind. With a single concentrated effort, Zak wrenched himself.
He was back in his body. Groggily, Zak raised his head. There was a scroll on his chest and a bird flapping close by. But even as he got up, the bird flew off, like a total stranger.
Zak quickly looked at the scroll - totally undecipherable - and pocketed it. He breathed a deep sigh of relief. That was some experience. "Reporter Becomes Bird-Brained After Trading Minds With Sparrow," he said softly.
He didn't want to hang around here. All these animals about - Zak felt an unaccustomed sense of the fragility of consciousness. He was aware, as never before, what a thin line separated us from the animals.
Walking quickly, he left.

A minute later, Caponian Alien #1 materialised at the lookout. He looked left, looked right: nobody here but some bird, and the sound of the rapids.
"ZLORFINK!" he swore. "I missed him!" He vanished again.
The bird was not much put out by this blatant violation of the laws of physics. Having spent two minutes in the body of a human, he was ready for anything.

In a Lima hotel room, Zak called Annie up on her mobile.
"Hello?" Annie's voice was as bright as ever.
"Annie? It's Zak. Where are you?"
"I'm in London," Annie answered.
"London? What are you doing there?"
"Following up a hunch," said Annie cryptically. "You'll be pleased to hear, though, that I found a shard of yellow crystal in Mexico.
Zak was pleased. "You did? Great!"
"It sure is," said Annie. "So, what have you found?"
"Well," said Zak, "I've got a scroll of writing that I can't read and a Lotto ticket that possibly contains a set of winning numbers. You don't want to know."
"I'm sure I do," said Annie. "Zak, since I've got the second half of the crystal, I think you should come to London."
"Will do," said Zak.
"Meet me at Stonehenge."
Zak was confused. "Stonehenge?"
"If you get the early flights you should be there about early evening. And don't forget to bring the scroll - it sounds interesting! Oh, and have you got a spacesuit yet?" Not waiting for a reply, Annie hung up.
He didn't - have a spacesuit, that is. Zak went downstairs, and called a taxi.

His connecting flight took him to San Francisco, and he had an hour free.
He could have bought a paper (Real Life Doctor Doolittle Yaks With The Animals!), but he was short of funds and had a Lotto ticket to check.
So Zak caught a bus back home. He got off at 14th Avenue, and went to see Lou. He was barely inside the door when Lou shouted, "Congratulations lucky fella! Ya won the big Lotto prize! Ten thousand smackeroos!"
Zak looked at him, then leapt in the air.
Lou grinned. "Come here and I'll give you your winnings." They walked over to the payout counter. Grinning from ear to ear, a relieved Zak gave him his CashCard and his ticket stub. It had gotten pretty close - debarking from San Francisco, he had less than $300 dollars left in his account.
Lou pressed a few buttons, then gave him back his CashCard. "You sure are one lucky guy!" he said.
Zak shook his head modestly - if only you knew. Still shaking his head, Zak walked outside.

Late that night, Zak finally made it to Stonehenge.
Annie was waiting for him outside the gate. After the initial greetings, Zak showed her the scroll of paper. Annie studied it for a while, holding the fading paper gingerly. "It's very old," she said at last. "But there's definitely writing on it." What that writing was, she wouldn't say yet.
Quickly they discussed what to do. Annie wanted to get out to Stonehenge proper, to a stone altar amongst the monoliths. But the whole place was surrounded by electrified wire. There was just a single gate, also electrified, and beside it a small red hut housing a guard in brown uniform.
And it was cold. Even the guard was rubbing his elbows and complaining. "It's cold out here tonight!" he said, every minute or so.
"What are we going to do?" asked Annie.
Zak thought about this, then reached into a pocket and took out a hip flask, full to the brim with whisky. He gave it to Annie, who was a little amused. "You carry alcohol around with you?" she asked. "What are you giving it to me for?"
"Because you might have a better chance of getting that guard drunk," said Zak.
Annie looked unsure. "Go ahead," said Zak. "The worst he can do is say no."
Annie finally got up enough courage, and walked over toward the guard, who stared straight ahead. Annie showed him the flask. "Would you care to join me in a drink, sir?" she said.
The guard considered this. A shot of alcohol might just fortify his spirit for the long cold night ahead. "I'd love to join you in a drink," he eventually said.
Annie smiled and entered the tiny hut.

Two hours, and half a bottle later, the guard was lying on his back and snoring noisily away. Annie, the careful drinker, was completely sober. "That was most unpleasant," she said.
"You did great," assured Zak, finally coming in from the periphery. He took a look inside the hut. "Aha," he said, spotting a large switch at the back.
Zak pulled the switch into the OFF position. Simultaneously, a low whine at the edge of hearing suddenly cut out. They had cut the power.
Annie and Zak walked over to the fence. Unelectrified it might be, but it still blocked their path. "What now?" asked Annie.
Zak, in answer, reached into his pocket and brought out a pair of wire clippers. Annie raised her eyebrows. "Do you always come this prepared?" she asked, as Zak began cutting a large circle in the chainlinks.
It only took a minute before Zak and Annie were able to step through, and walk over the dewy grass to Stonehenge itself. The rocks before them were pale blue, almost phospherent in their reflection of the moonlight. Zak couldn't help but feel awed as he walked amongst these huge boulders, primitive as they might be.
Annie was less impressed, moving with purpose toward the altar. Once there, she asked Zak for his portion of the yellow crystal. Zak gave it to her. Annie placed the two halves of the crystal down on the altar, slotting their fractured surfaces together. Still working in silence, Annie unfurled the parchment.
Her eyebrows deepened in concentration as she slowly translated. Zak waited, tense. Finally Annie looked up and spoke, loudly and clearly, three words of power.
"Gnik Sisi Vle."
The night sprang into life. The wind roared and whipped around them. From above a blinding bolt of lightning cracked, striking the two halves of crystal and fusing them together. The scroll, held tightly by Annie's hands, burnt away to nothing like a vapour.
It was quiet again. Zak gingerly reached for the single yellow crystal, and was surprised to find it was cool. He picked it up. The crystal was long and thin, like a sharpened tube, and exactly the same shape as his blue crystal. It had worked. Zak looked at Annie.
Annie's looked back, her eyes wild and elemental. It had worked.

The next morning, they went their separate ways.
Zak knew what he had to do. He was going back to Kinshasa, to find that African Shaman. What did this yellow crystal do.
Annie was just as sure what she had to do, though Zak couldn't see why. She was heading back to Egypt, to explore the pyramids. "Why?" asked Zak.
"Mainly from that diagram we found in the Sphinx," replied Annie. "The diagram of the Martian pyramid was too similar to the pyramids at Gaza. It can't have been a coincidence."
"Where do you suppose the white crystal is?" asked Zak.
"Don't know," said Annie. "My best guess is Mars."
So it was that now, still early in the morning, Zak was in Kinshasa. Last night's antics had yielded a good alliterative headline: Serious Security Slippage At Stonehenge. He was still chuckling over that when his guide dropped him off, fearfully, a mile from the village of the Shaman.
Zak walked there in no time. He was feeling good. The village was as deserted as before, though the fire was going. Zak walked past and entered the hut of the Shaman.
Inside, the Shaman rose from his chair as soon as Zak entered. "Hello, hello!" he said, again wearing the enormous blue mask.
His smile widened as Zak held up the yellow crystal. "Excellent!" said the Shaman as he saw it. "I will now teach you how to use your teleportation crystal."
Zak listened carefully. "You may only travel to a teleportation pad," said the Shaman. "Use your map to focus on your destination. No one can do this but you." He showed Zak to the door. "Goodbye, my friend," he said, changing the DOC IS IN sign to another one, saying THE DOC IS OUT.
Zak unfolded his map. Crude and shaky though it was, it got the basic message across: A map of the ancient world, with five dots - two on the North American west coast, one in Peru somewhere, one in Atlantis, and one in Egypt. And on one side, the Martian symbols of the face and the pyramid. Zak thought he might try out this new ability of his, and held the yellow crystal tightly in one hand. With the other, Zak touched a yellow dot on his map - the dot on Peru.
He was aware of a rising sound, somewhere above him, then he vanished.

He reappeared in a cramped stone room, lit dimly from above by a large window.
Zak looked around. He was standing on a metal square, and there was something on the far side of the room, perched on a stalactite (or was it stalagmite?) It had a cubic metal body and three metal arms, and Zak recognised it instantly. The crystal holder from the device in his dream.
Spirits boosted by this unexpected good fortune, Zak crossed the room and picked it up. He held it and stared out the window, and finally Zak realised where he was. He was in Peru, in the other eye of the alien on the hillside, the eye he hadn't come to as a bird. That was why it was so dim - it was barely sunrise this far westward of Africa.
Zak reached for his map. Time to try another dot.
He materialised in a completely dark room. A little startled, Zak blundered about a bit until finding a doorway. He stumbled through.
This room was dark too, though it felt larger. Mainly because there on the far side of the room was a grey slit, as of daylight. Zak lurched toward it.
When he eventually reached open air, he was surprised yet again - this was Seattle. There was Mt. Rainer up there. He'd just come out of the cave with the two-headed squirrel. That dark room had originally contained the blue crystal.
Zak looked with renewed interest at his map. What was that dot on Atlantis. He tried to go there.
There was no noise of dematerialisation. He didn't vanish.
Zak didn't understand. Why couldn't he go there? His reporters' instinct surfacing, Zak now wanted to go there more than ever.

Which was why, a couple of hours later, Zak was in the back seat of the Divine Wind Tours biplane, flying high above the Bermuda Triangle. If he couldn't transport there directly, maybe this was the next best thing.
The pilot remembered Zak - as you might expect. It was another fine day, and he was enjoying his flight. "I love the Triangle," he said for the umpteenth time. "Looks like you love it too," he added.
Zak sat there, enduring the wait.
"Hey, I got a good one for ya," said the pilot. "What do biplanes have in common with drunks? They both have to be 'propped up'! Ha ha ha!"
Zak groaned. The pilot had proved to be a never-ending supply of biplane jokes, such as, "Why do they call it a biplane? 'Cause you end up going 'bye, plane'! Ha ha ha!"
It was almost relief when the strangeness began. Lights flickered in front of them. The sea below began to fade. "Uh, oh, not again!" said the pilot.
They vanished.

And reappeared, as Zak was expecting, in the Caponian mothership. As the plane came to a halt in the hangar, he instantly leapt out, pissed off. "I hate it when that happens!" he shouted.
Zak also got out of the plane. First, however, he was very careful to pick up his parachute. He stood beside the pilot, who was trying to remember the combination he usually pressed.
Red, red, purple, yellow. The pilot clambered back into his plane. Seconds later it vanished in a single flash of white light.
Zak came up to the panel. Red, red, purple, yellow. Then he walked out into the middle of the hangar and waited.
A flash of white light came, and he was gone.

Annie, meanwhile, was in Egypt. The tour bus brought her to the pyramids, where she got out and took a different way across the sands.
She came to the base of the pyramid. Seen so close, it really did loom above, as if thrust dramatically through the crust of the earth. Annie walked around the base, until she came to a small dark entrance.
She walked inside. At once it got a lot quieter. What little she could see of them, the walls of the tunnel were dark brown brick, sheer and smooth. The tunnel went straight, on and on, and it got steadily darker.
Then it turned left, and now she was right in the black. Annie began to get a bit worried - did the Egyptians, or the Martians, or whoever built these pyramids, leave any traps behind.
She walked on, cautiously, searching for a doorway... or anything.

Zak reappeared in the exact same spot as the biplane. But ten seconds had passed, and the biplane had moved on a bit, with the end result that Zak appeared ten thousand feet above the sea, and falling.
He wasn't worried. Zak had used the time in the hangar to strap his parachute on. Now he held the cord in his hand, and plunged face-down toward the surface of the sea.
It was hard to judge height above so featureless a surface. Nevertheless, a minute passed before Zak estimated he was two thousand feet up. Then he pulled the cord.
The parachute billowed out behind him, snatching Zak back from his fatal fall with a sudden grab. Then he was just coasting down toward the sea, looking around the pale blue morning sky.
Closer and closer the sea came, so that he could see the rise and fall of its tiny waves. Then with sudden speed he fell the last few yards, plunging into water that was bracing, but not overly cold.
Zak pulled himself free from the harness and swam away from the plastic sprawl of the parachute. He saw a dolphin, a few metres away, and quickly got a very good idea. Splashing and shouting, he caught the dolphin's attention. It glided toward him in that effortless fashion dolphins have. When it was only a metre away, Zak reached forward and touched it with the blue crystal.
His mind span out, up and away from his body, and settled back in the brain of the dolphin. This was an interesting body - lithe and banana shaped. Zak dove down below the water, leaving his floating body behind.
It seemed life was serving him up a never-ending array of wonders. Here, below the shallow surface of the sea, Grecian columns both upright and fallen rested on the ocean floor, obviously part of an ancient temple. Zak swam down and marvelled. Seaweed had grown up through the floor of the temple, which Zak felt strangely compelled to eat.
He came across something even more interesting under one such branch of seaweed. It was a sphere of transparent metal, glowing from the light of an inner purple sun. Zak recognised it - deja vu again - from his dream. Another part of the device.
He grasped it in his teeth, and immediately swam for the surface. There, he deposited the object on Zak's recumbent, floating body, then wrenched his mind free of the dolphin. Back in his own body, Zak put the device part somewhere more secure.
"Man Trades Mind With Dolphin; Destroys Tuna Boat Fleet," he said.
Then he took out his map, which was soggy but still readable. Yellow crystal in hand, he pointed at a North American dot.

It was centred, amazingly, on his bedroom. For the second time, Zak materialised there on the floorboards, those familiar walls around him. Water dripped down his legs onto the floor.
This was a golden opportunity to take care of something still outstanding - his spacesuit. Zak started with his fishbowl. At the moment it contained some dirty water, thin weeds, and one pet goldfish, still clinging onto life despite not being fed for a month. Zak emptied the bowl over a large potplant under the window. "Sorry, Sushi," he said (Sushi being the name of the fish), "you're fertiliser now."
This done, Zak rummaged through his drawers, eventually coming across the wetsuit he'd used as a TPC disguise. He took it.
Now all he needed was an oxygen tank and mask. There wouldn't be one around here, that's for sure. And Lou didn't have one either, or at least he hadn't seen one in the last few days.
Zak frowned over this. There wasn't that much time, as he was supposed to catch up with Annie later today. Eventually, he decided to get cleaned up, and take a flight to Egypt.

It turned out to be one of the most memorable flights of Zak's life.
Events started with Zak hurrying onto the plane, and being admonished by the stewardess. "You're late!" she said crossly. "I'll show you to your seat." Zak allowed himself to be led by her, a blonde woman in a terrible blue uniform, to his seat by the window. Looking around, he saw it wasn't a busy flight.
"Here it is," said the stewardess, indicating his seat. Zak sat down, still marvelling at the decision to cover the seats in purple upholstery.
Her last pre-flight duty dispensed with, the stewardess walked to the front of the passenger section. "Ladies and gentlemen," she said, "you've heard this speech before so I'll cut it short. In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. If we lose cabin pressure, oxygen masks should appear. But don't count on it. Enjoy your flight... I've a feeling I won't!" she finished in a low voice. Still muttering, she walked through the curtains and out of sight.
As the plane lifted into the air, Zak was entertaining an indistinct idea. It had to do with the oxygen masks. He needed an oxygen mask. Zak thought about this for a bit.
About ten minutes later the stewardess came back, bearing a trolley loaded up with food trays. Zak was seated up near the front, and she stopped at his seat first. "Here's your meal," she said, depositing the tray in Zak's lap. Zak looked down at the vaguely brown mass, shrugged, and started to eat. The stewardess moved on, dispensing more food.
Zak was finished by the time she returned. She took the tray without a word. When she was gone, hidden behind those curtains, Zak stood up. He was interested in those overhead compartments, above every seat. He opened the one above his.
He caught a glimpse of suitcase, then the stewardess was coming angrily toward him. "Hey you!" she said. "You shouldn't be doing that. Get back in your seat right now!" She shut the compartment, then got Zak to sit down. Someone's got a short fuse today, thought Zak. The stewardess glared at him one last time. "Now stay there," she said, and stalked off.
Zak waited a minute, then stood up and walked down the aisle.
Here, at the back of the plane, was the passenger toilet, currently unoccupied. Zak got in and shut the door.
The toilets, least around here, were pretty luxurious. There was the toilet itself, with its mysterious waste-disposal system, and next to it a large sink and a wide mirror. Zak had no time for the mirror - it was the sink he was interested in.
Zak was about to create some major havoc. Something that would keep the stewardess occupied for a good while.
He started by pulling strip after strip of toilet paper from the holder. He stuffed them all in the sink, jamming them right in the plughole, until the whole works were clogged up. Then he turned on the cold water, all the way.
In half a minute, the sink was full to the brim, and water started to spill out onto the floor. Time to leave. Zak took one last look, and saw a call button on the wall. He smiled. That was even better. Sabotaged Sink Stifles Screeching Stewardess, thought Zak.
He returned to his seat, and waited for somebody else to use the toilet. Sure enough, five minutes later, the stewardess emerged from the curtains, walking determinedly down the aisle.
Moments later came a scream which even Zak heard, right up at the far end of the plane. "Oh no! What a mess!" Quickly, Zak got out of his chair and walked through the curtains.
The room beyond was small, containing just a microwave on a long ledge, several cupboards of food, and the boarding door.
The stewardess would probably clean up the toilet in two minutes. He was out to create a longer diversion. And now, looking at the microwave, Zak thought he might have a good chance at it.
Zak knelt down in front of the microwave and opened some of the cupboards underneath. Soon he found what he was looking for - a large egg. Zak placed the egg in the microwave, then set it to cook for five minutes on HIGH.
This done, he was out of there and back in his seat like a shot. A minute passed. The stewardess was still cleaning up back there, and now Zak could smell a horrible oily smell, coming from beyond the curtains. Zak could just imagine the mess the microwave oven must be now, all covered in exploded egg that was still steaming and smoking.
The smell permeated further, so that some of the other passengers started sniffing and making faces. And now here came the stewardess, her face red and agitated. She headed straight for the curtains.
"AIEEEEE!" she screamed. "WHO DID THIS?"
Zak got up and started down the aisle. "What a mess!" moaned the stewardess, behind him.
He was going to start at the back. Zak began opening overhead compartments, searching for oxygen masks. At first, all he came across were luggage, and some empty compartments. About halfway along, however, Zak came across a hefty set of metal oxygen tanks, complete with rubber face mask.
Jackpot. Zak reached up and pulled down the tanks. Doing his best to conceal them, Zak made his way back to his seat. As he sat down, however, a massive problem presented itself.
How was he going to get off the plane? The stewardess would spot him immediately, and she sounded particularly furious at the moment. There was really only one choice. Zak got out his crayon map and stared at the Egyptian dot. Where would it send him?
Zak decided to find out. He gathered everything he had, and held it tight in his arms. With the yellow crystal in one hand, he touched the map. And disappeared.

He reappeared in a small square room, its walls built from bricks large, rough and golden. Where was he? The air was tight and hot. There was no noise here, at all.
His confusion was only furthered by what the room held. By far the largest and most baffling item was a circular pedestal taking up most of the room. It was built from metal, and ringed by a series of vertical bars stretching from the floor to the ceiling, excepting a small gap at the front, large enough to walk through, and a larger section at the back, where the pedestal ran into one wall. At the centre of this pedestal was a small squat piece of metal, looking like the base of something. Either side of this metal base, seemingly hanging in the air, were two strips of blue lights.
Zak stared at this for a while before finally placing it - it was the base of the device, as seen in his dream. This flash of insight was followed by a flurry of activity. Zak took the glowing object, retrieved from the Bermuda Triangle, and placed it on the base, where it fit in perfectly. There was a small circular gap at the top, into which he inserted the metal candelabra, or crystalabra as it was about to become. Into its right arm he placed the blue crystal, which fit perfectly.
There Zak stopped. He didn't want to give up the yellow crystal, not without the white crystal. He looked around - perhaps there was something else he could do.
Either side of the metal pedestal, welded deep into the wall, were two large metal switches, both pulled down. A third switch, smaller and less impressive, hung on a different wall.
Zak crossed to it. Those two switches looked like the controls for activating the device. What this lever did was anyone's guess.
He pulled it all the way down.

Annie had not had much luck. Two hours of searching had yielded just two turns of the tunnel, and no branches. Creeping past the second turn, Annie had come across an unexpected discovery - an enormous sarcophagus, lying horizontal on the tunnel floor. She felt over its smooth, bronzed surface, but found no hinges or any hint of a lid. Annie tried pushing it, pulling it, and kicking it. Nothing happened.
The passage went on a few metres past the sarcophagus, and stopped there. For some obstinate reason she couldn't dismiss, Annie thought there must be some way of going on from there. But she had been unable to find any.
No way, that is, until a hole suddenly appeared in the ceiling, several metres away. Light spilled down from a room above, and as Annie looked around wonderingly, a small metal ladder retracted and unfolded itself down to the tunnel floor.
What on earth? She hadn't done anything. Quickly Annie got up and climbed the ladder.
It brought her to a bright golden room, with a strange metal pedestal and, standing in front of it with his mouth open, Zak McKracken.
"You!" said Annie.
"You!" echoed Zak.
Annie was flummoxed. "What are you doing here?" she asked.
"Where is here?" replied Zak. "I haven't got a clue where I am."
"You're in the Great Pyramid," said Annie. Then she stopped. She'd caught a glimpse of something behind Zak.
"Oh, good," said Zak, relieved. "I was a bit worried about that." He followed her gaze.
Annie was staring at the device. "You have been busy, haven't you?" she said.
"Pretty much," agreed Zak. "But I still haven't found the white crystal."
"It's on Mars," said Annie confidently. "Have you got your spacesuit?"
Zak indicated a pile of belonging on the ground. "Okay," said Annie, "what are you waiting for then?"
"Huh?" said Zak. "What am I waiting for? How the hell am I supposed to get to Mars?"
Annie flicked back an errant hair. "Use the yellow crystal, stupid," she said.
He'd never even considered that. "All right," said Zak. "Just wait a few minutes while I put on the suit." Zak pulled on the wetsuit, which was tight and close against his clothing. He strapped on the oxygen pack and pulled down the fishbowl over his head. Nearly perfect, except for the large gaps around the base of the bowl. Zak pointed to the roll of duct tape on the floor, and Annie got the message. She picked it up and taped all around the base of the helmet, sealing Zak up tight. Then, to Zak's surprise, Annie planted a little kiss on his helmet.
Zak, despite himself, blushed. "Good luck," said Annie.
"Thanks," said Zak, his voice somewhat muffled, the yellow crystal in one hand and the map in the other. He looked down, and touched the Martian face.

He appeared in a room of reds, browns and blacks, on a pedestal in front of a door containing strange yellow markings, two doors either side of it. All three doors were shut.
This helmet smelt of fish. Zak looked around and checked the gauge on his oxygen tank. Only fifteen minutes! He'd have to be fast. Quickly Zak got the yellow crayon in his hand, and knelt in front of the markings.
He remembered them, those markings he'd found in the Sphinx. On a diagram next to the face temple. If ever there was a place to use them, here it was. Drawing quickly, Zak fashioned the yellow dots into a rough robotic face.
All three doors swung open, as one, making a noise muffled by his helmet. Zak ran forward, along a thin tunnel that stretched straight ahead before turning left. Even as he did so he felt lithe and strong. Mars' half-strong gravity was having a most pleasing effect.
The turn left took him to a new passage, almost completely dark. Zak's lighter gave off a little light, enough to point out any doorways he passed, but it wasn't much. Fortunately Zak noticed something else. Bringing his lighter down low, he saw the floor was covered in dust. And some of the dust had footprints. Human footprints.
Such a welcome sign of human civilisation in such a far-ridden place made Zak feel strange, and relieved. Rather than guess doors, he followed the footsteps. They brought him into gradually more lit tunnels, until Zak saw up ahead a golden rectangle of light.
He came out in the Great Chamber. Zak was awed. Those statues, stretching right up to the arched roof! And suddenly it dawned him - he wasn't wearing his oxygen mask. But he could breathe.
This must be the work of Melissa and Leslie. Zak would have to meet up with them pronto. He spied, on his right, a grey rectangle from which a duller, yet stronger light came. Outside?
Walking toward it, Zak hooked up his oxygen mask and tanks. The air inside was stale but breathable. Hurrying, he walked through the grey strips and into the sunlit open.

It had been a most frustrating day for Leslie and Melissa. Frustrating as they watched hour after hour slip away, unused.
The high point of the last twenty four hours had been that message from the ancients. But since, they'd gotten no further. There was nothing left in the Great Chamber - they'd explored everywhere. Finally, reluctantly putting helmets on once more, they came back to their landing site.
The pyramid was still as far off as before. The carriage had not begun working in their absence. And so hour after hour passed. They were stumped, again.
The first glimmering of activity occurred when Leslie, staring glumly at the ground in front of the hostel, noticed a mound of sand that looked strangely regular - like a long rectangular bar five feet by fifty.
She looked at this a while, then went inside the hostel.
Standing in the airlock waiting for the air to repressurise, she was thinking hard. There almost seemed to be something concealed under that mound of sand - but fifty feet by five feet of sand was far too much for her and Melissa to shift.
The light above the inner door changed to green. Leslie entered and looked around for tools, of any kind. The search brought her up to the bunk, where something was lying under a thick red blanket. Leslie hesitated. The only thing you were likely to find under a blanket on a bed was somebody sleeping, and in this place 'somebody' might mean an alien. "I guess it won't hurt to look," she finally said, pulling back the covers. In the bed was something yellow and thin. "Oh, it's just a broom," she said, then stopped sharp. "No! Wait! It has eyes!!" Leslie cringed, and ran back. "It's a dead alien!!"
She got a hold of herself at the door. That might be an alien, but it was certainly dead, and its brushy head was just perfect for the kind of task she had in mind. Steeling herself with the knowledge of what Melissa would do in this situation (run for the door and never come back), Leslie turned around and picked up the alien.
"Oh well, I'll just pretend it's a broom," said Leslie. 'Broom' in hand, she walked outside.
It was a very good broom, and shifted the sand like it was water. Soon Leslie could see the shape of what was concealed beneath - long rectangular panels, raised and slightly angled on thin metal legs. Melissa, curious, came over and watched.
These were solar panels. Leslie brushed away the last of the sand, and stood back. With the close proximity of these panels to the tracks, they could be only one thing: the power source.
The carriage would now work.
"I think the carriage will probably work now," said Leslie.
Melissa clapped her hands together. "All right! Let's go!" She rushed off toward the carriage.
Leslie turned, the other way. "Stop!" she said suddenly. Melissa stopped, and turned around.
There was someone on the horizon, coming from the temple. He was walking quickly. Soon he was close enough for his face to be recognisable. And they did recognise it.
"Hey!" said Leslie. They walked over and met Zak in front of the van. "It's Zak!" said Leslie. "Welcome to Mars! It's about time you got here!"
"Give me a break!" said Zak. "I've been busy saving the Earth!" He paused. Two girls were in front of him, and about the only difference Zak could see is that one wore a light blue spacesuit while the other, the girl who'd just finished talking, wore purple. He vaguely remembered the newscast, where Melissa wore blue. "You're Leslie, right?" said Zak.
"Right," said Leslie.
"And you must be Melissa," said Zak to Melissa.
"That's me!" said Melissa.
"We have lots to do and not much time," said Leslie, "so let's hurry!" They immediately led Zak back along the track toward the carriage. Zak looked at it, and the black monolith nearby, curiously.
"Put your CashCard in the monolith," said Leslie. Zak did this, and a token clattered into the out slot. He picked it up and turned it over in his hands.
Leslie was already placing her token in the carriage slot. As she did so, a display above the door lit up. It started at fifteen, and counted down in seconds. Quickly Melissa and Zak followed her on board. Leslie had taken the broom with her, in case it came in handy.
They had four rows of bare metal seats to choose from. A little bemused, Zak sat down. Five seconds passed.
Smoothly, the tram accelerated away. The red, parched ground whizzed by. They sat at the windows and marvelled. Up ahead, the pyramid grew large on the horizon.
Halfway along, the tram began to decelerate, just as smoothly as it accelerated. It came to a stop at the end of the track, right by one corner of the pyramid. Everybody got out.
They walked along the side of the pyramid, eventually coming to a square doorway. Sand was piled up in one corner. Leslie stepped forward, and brushed it out of the way with her broom.
As the last strands of sand were swept away, the broom suddenly sneezed and jerked to life in her hands. With a small shriek Leslie let go. Its handle now curving and its eyes now fully open, the broom alien bounced away on its point, sneezing uncontrollably.
"You're alive!" said Leslie. Melissa was staring on in horror, ready to run if it came anywhere near her.
"Ahh ahh chooo!" sneezed the broom again. The expression on his bristly face showed a very annoyed alien. "I try to take a nice, peaceful nap, and what happens?" he moaned, bounding back and forth. "An inconsiderate alien - and an ugly one at that - sweeps up sand with my head!"
"I'm sorry!" wailed Leslie.
"The nerve of some beings!" huffed the broom alien. He turned to Leslie. "I'll go find another planet where I can find some rest," he said before bounding away, headed for the hostel.
Zak shrugged. He'd seen some strange things in the last week, but that just took the cake.
"I thought he was dead!" said Leslie, overcome with guilt. Zak walked past her and examined the doorway. It was blocked up with a large stone block, and there was no other means of entry.
Melissa joined him at the doorway, finally followed by Leslie. "I think we can push this open," said Zak. Acting as three, they pressed with all their might.

The tunnel beyond was dark. Leslie flicked on the flashlight, and played its beam around the tunnel. Zak had another attack of deja vu - would it never end? - because the tunnel was almost exactly the same, in design, as the tunnels in the Sphinx. Here, however, the colours were purple, grey, yellow and red.
They walked forward, Leslie lighting their way. There was just the one door, and above it two glaring eyes. They walked through.
It brought them to a dead end, a room of bare, unadorned brick, and a large sarcophagus on the floor. Even in torchlight, the outline of the sarcophagus was impressive, its face stern and godlike.
Leslie ran a hand over the sarcophagus; like Annie, searching for a lever point she could use to open it. She didn't find one. However, she found that the feet of the sarcophagus could be pressed inward a little, slightly shortening the sarcophagus.
As she did so, there was the faintest noise. Leslie shone her flashlight forward. Now, there was a doorway and steps leading up at the far end of the room. Zak and Melissa gasped. Leslie stepped forward, and the doorway was immediately shut by a stone block.
She stopped, went back and pressed the feet in. The doorway was back again. "Go on," said Leslie. "Let me know if you need the flashlight."
Zak and Melissa walked on and up.
No need for a flashlight, here.
They were in a room of cyan walls, ornately decorated. Here in the centre of the room, in a cage of green light, three globes floated, and alternately flashed between red, green blue. Whether they were glass, crystal or just focused light Zak and Melissa had no way of knowing. Accompanying the flashing light were strange, bloopy sounds, like the soundtrack of a '50's sci-fi movie.
"Oh, wow," said Melissa.
The globes were joined together by thin yellow lines of electricity. And joined to the cubes by this electricity and a set of metal clamps was the white crystal. Zak started forward eagerly; but Melissa at his side suddenly moved faster and even more intently.
She had seen a golden panel hanging on the back wall. On it was the indented shape of a key, a shape she'd seen before. Now she took out the golden key and placed it in the panel. The panel swung open to reveal a button. Decisively, Melissa pressed the button.
The globes stopped flashing, and the clamps drew back. "Now!" said Melissa to Zak.
Zak stepped forward and took the white crystal. Immediately the room was plunged into darkness. Melissa's voice, nearby, was sunny and relieved. "You did it!" she said.
Walking carefully, they came back down the stairs and found Leslie. "We did it!" said Melissa happily. A happy smile broke out on Leslie's face.
Zak checked his oxygen supply - only a few minutes left. He was cutting this close. "Can I have that flashlight?" he asked. With it, he took out the map and found the position of the Egypt dot.
In front of their eyes Zak vanished, only leaving behind the flashlight. "Do you think they'll do it in time?" said Melissa anxiously.
"No worries," said Leslie. "None at all."

Zak reappeared in one corner of the room. He ripped off the helmet and breathed in good strong healthy air.
"Did you get it?" asked Annie as Zak struggled out of the wetsuit. He held up a hand, and in it were the yellow and white crystals. "Yes!" she said, taking the crystals. Quickly she filled the remaining arms of the crystalabra. She stood back and looked at the device. To both her and Zak, it now looked right. More than that - it looked like fulfilment.
"Now what?" said Zak, finally free of his suit.
Annie went and stood by the left switch. "We turn it on," she said, pointing Zak toward the right switch. Zak went to it.
"On my count," said Annie. "Ready? One... two... three!"
Simultaneously they jerked up the switches.
A low humming filled the air. The blue strips of light, hanging either side of the Skolarian Device, flashed light blue in a steadily rising dot of colour. There was the sound of something immensely forceful being powered up.
White light flashed, filling every crevice of the room. It came again. And now a beam of purple light came down from the ceiling, split in three, and touched the tip of each individual crystal. The walls around them trembled.

On Mars, something incredible was happening, and only Leslie and Melissa were around to witness it. The top of the pyramid suddenly opened and folded back. As the very earth shook around them, a shaft of purple light a hundred metres wide came up from within the pyramid. It shot out to space, heading for a certain blue/green planet.
Leslie and Melissa watched on, open mouthed and delirious, as the beam of purple light struck Earth's atmosphere. It ran around the surface, encasing the Earth in a shell of purple light.
"It worked," said Leslie wonderingly.
"Yes!"

Back in the secret room, it was pandemonium.
The gauge on their dumbing-down machine was jerking about all over the place, from 80 Hz to 20 Hz, to 60 Hz and even -20 Hz, which was a physical impossibility. Sirens filled the air. Alien #1 was beside himself with terror.
Alien #2 ran in. "HEY! WHAT'S HAPPENING!" he shouted, above the din of the malfunctioning machine.
"SOMETHING'S VERY, VERY WRONG!" gibbered Alien #1. They looked helplessly at the machine.
Suddenly everything stopped. There was a moment of silence.
Alien #2 turned to #1. "See ya," he said.
An explosion took out most of the building.

Zak and Annie were overjoyed. The Skolarian Device had worked, beyond all doubt: those pesky Caponians were no more.
They came and stood right in front of the device. Annie looked at Zak, smiling. Zak looked at Annie, also smiling. And he suddenly realised this was the exact scene from his dream.
Zak moved closer. Well, this time he was going to rewrite history.

THE END