Prologue Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Epilogue

PART X: YESTERDAY

It was just after dusk, on the front lawn outside Maniac Mansion. There was no Bernard-shaped hole in the ground. No shattered birdbath on the grass. Just a helpless Green Tentacle, tied up and on his back, wriggling around and trying to spit out his gag.
The Chron-O-John hit the ground a few metres away, jolting Green Tentacle a little. The door opened, and Bernard's head peered out, then Hoagie's and Laverne's. As one, they pushed the door and stepped out.
It took a couple of seconds for them to realise that something had gone horribly wrong.
A creature had stepped out of the Chron-O-John. It had long, spindly Bernard-shaped legs, beefy Hoagie arms, and wore a Laverne skirt and Hoagie black t-shirt, both stretched enormously by the enormous load. From its neck sprouted three heads.
Hoagie, Bernard and Laverne looked down, and screamed.
Hoagie felt funny. He didn't seem to have any control over his legs, but his arms worked fine. Bernard had the opposite dilemma. His arms weren't working (it seemed they didn't exist anymore) but he had control of his legs. Laverne, stuck in no-man's-land, couldn't do anything.
"We're..." said Laverne unbelievingly.
"We're..." echoed Bernard.
"We're some kinda monster, dudes," said Hoagie flatly.
"Great," said Laverne. "Stuck here the rest of my life, listening to Bernard talking and watching Hoagie eat. Mom warned me there'd be days like this."
Bernard said, "Now, wait just a minute-"
"Mts pmpl tmpcl," spluttered Green Tentacle. Lying down on his back, he could see his friends upside down, and behind them, hopping forward menacingly, Purple Tentacle.
"It's Green Tentacle!" said Bernard. He ran them over to Green. "What was that, Green?" said Bernard. Purple Tentacle was even closer now.
"PMPL TMPCL G BHND J!!" said Green.
"What?"
"I believe he's trying to warn you about me," said Purple Tentacle.
Bernard turned around. "Oh," he said.
Laverne, beside him, was triumphant. "We're going to turn off the Sludge-O-Matic™ and defeat your evil plans, you overgrown worm."
"You sorry lot are no match for me!" laughed Purple Tentacle
"But there's three of us," said Bernard, "well, sort of!"
"Nevertheless, I mean to crush you."
"Yeah?" said Bernard. "You and what army?"
"Why, this army, of course," said Purple Tentacle complacently. He gestured at the black space behind him.
Maniac Mansion was built on a hill, in just about the middle of nowhere. Being so far from the city, it got pitch-dark at night. At first, concentrating on Purple Tentacle, Bernard and co had discounted the orange glow behind him, an orange glow that shouldn't have been there. Now they crept forward just slightly, and saw the cause.
There was an army down there. Tens and thousands of Purple Tentacles stood in rank and file, all holding torches in their invertebrate arms.
"...yikes..." said Bernard.
"You see, I've been busy," said Purple Tentacle. "These are all versions of myself from the future. I've been bringing them back here using the Chron-O-John. Together, we will conquer the world!!"
He turned to his throng. Gesturing to the nearest group, he said, "You ten there! Go to the basement and guard the Sludge-O-Matic�. No one is to touch the Sludge-O-Matic�." The ten tentacles hopped up the hill and into the Maniac Mansion lobby.
"Now, creature," said Purple Tentacle, returning his attention to the three, "I must decide what excruciating tortures to-"
An old tentacle with a white beard leapt forward. "Leave them to me!" he croaked. "I've been itching for a chance to test out my newly completed diminuator!"
"Uh, oh," said Laverne.
"Excuse me, uh, us," said Bernard.
Purple Tentacle senior laughed and fired the diminuator. A yellow bolt of energy hit Bernard straight in the forehead. It felt like an electric drill, then the pain was gone. Bernard hitched up his skirt and ran them into the Maniac Mansion lobby. And as they ran, they shrank. By the time they reached the front door, they were only two feet tall. Before they'd run a quarter of the way inside, they were six inches high.
"BWAHAHAHA!!" laughed Purple Tentacle senior. He leapt after his quarry.
Purple Tentacle turned to his army. "All right, the rest of you come with me! Next stop... THE WORLD!"
Bernard and his friends felt like ants. Which was what they nearly were. The shrinking process had stopped at four inches.
"What do we do now?" said Laverne.
Her question was answered for her when they suddenly shot back up in size again, their bodies surrounded by a faint orange glow.
"Whoa!" said Hoagie.
"It wears off!" said Bernard.
Purple Tentacle senior stood in the doorway. "Ah HAH!" he gloated.
"Run for it!" yelled Bernard. They pelted away.
Purple Tentacle senior pulled the trigger. There was an impotent click. "Damn!" he swore. "The battery must not have had time to recharge... but it will!" He tapped the gun barrel, trying to speed the process.
Bernard ran them up the stairs and into the first room. Tomorrow this would be Fatty's room, but for now it was empty. Bernard shut the door. "Shh! Maybe he won't find us." he said.
They waited. Soon they heard the sssllurrp-thunk of Purple Tentacle's approach. "Yoohoo!" he called out. "Where are you, human?" He leapt on, and soon the noise faded.
Bernard waited until he was sure Purple Tentacle was gone. Then he opened the door and ran as silently as possible down the hallway.
They rounded the corner, and were unpleasantly surprised to see Purple Tentacle standing there, waiting for them.
"Aha!"
There was no time to duck out of sight. Instead, Bernard kept on running, pelting for the nearest motel doorway.
He got his hand to the handle just as Purple Tentacle fired. "Take that!"
Bernard pushed the door open, then the handle zoomed above him as they shrank. They ran into the room.
"And this!" said Purple Tentacle, trying to fire again. The gun's batteries conked out for a second time. "Drat!"
Bernard ran around on the floor of the room like a worried mouse. The doorway was open, and Purple Tentacle could leap in here at any time. He had them trapped.
But Bernard saw something rather unexpected. Over there, on the wall between Green Tentacle's room and this one, was a mouse hole. Shrunk down like this, they were easily small enough to fit through.
Bernard ran into the mouse hole. It was a tunnel that led mostly straight, twisting occasionally leftward. The tunnel wasn't very short, but Bernard had the nasty idea that they might begin expanding again while still in the tunnel, very quickly ensuring a sticky end.
They made it. Bernard stood in the middle of the floor, getting his breath back. An inch was as long as a yard in this shrunken state.
They expanded, back to normal size (though 'normal' was being stretched considerably beyond its limit here). Bernard, Laverne and Hoagie each desperately looked around Green Tentacle's room for some kind of weapon.
Bernard saw it first. On the dresser table was Purple Tentacle's bowling ball. Hoagie obligingly picked it up for him. A twelve pound bowling ball, this would cause a lot of damage to a tentacle's soft, jellylike body.
Emboldened by the possession of a weapon, Bernard opened the door and came out into the passage.
There was nobody here. "Hey! Where'd he go?" said Bernard. He thought of something else that was strange - where were the Doctor Fred and co of yesterday?
It didn't matter much now. Bernard knew they had to go - to the Sludge-O-Matic�. There had to be some way to save the world!

There was nobody in the lobby either. Bernard opened up the grandfather clock and somehow, some way, this threefold humanoid managed to squeeze through the gap and hop down the stairs.
Bernard instantly grasped the situation. The Sludge-O-Matic� machine was in the far corner, and standing in front of its control switch were the ten purple tentacles Purple Tentacle had assigned earlier. Four stood closest to the switch, then three, then two, then one at the apex of an impressive, efficient triangular formation.
Above them, tied to an upper pipe of the Sludge-O-Matic� by lengths and lengths of rope, was an upside-down Doctor Fred. "Dr. Fred!" said Bernard urgently. "Are you all right?"
"Get me out of here!" yelled Doctor Fred. His mouth, at least, was free. "I feel like I'm pupating!"
Bernard came and stood in front of the tentacle formation. Hoagie's arm, holding the bowling ball, was hidden for the moment behind their large chest. "Excuse us," said Bernard.
"What is it?" said the tentacle at the head of the formation.
"Which one of you is the real Purple Tentacle?" asked Bernard.
"We all are, dopey. Weren't you paying attention earlier?"
"Could you let us pull that lever over there?" asked Bernard, most politely.
"No chance," said the tentacle emphatically.
Bernard tried deceit. "Look behind you, a three-headed monkey!" he shouted.
"The only three-headed monkey here is in front of us," said the tentacle nastily. "Now, buzz off."
Bernard didn't move. Instead, Hoagie's arm came up with the bowling ball.
There was roughly ten feet of polished floorboards between them and the triangular tentacle formation. Hoagie threw the ball. It crashed into the floor and rolled toward the tentacles.
The front tentacle opened his mouth sucker wide to let out a surprised exclamation.
The bowling ball cannoned into the tentacles, knocking them left right and centre in an explosion of purple flesh. There remained just one tentacle, closest to the lever, which sputtered around for a bit before kicking over.
Strike.
Bernard made his way through the prone tentacles, until Hoagie's arm firmly grasped the switch. He pushed it back into the OFF position.
"Well, I'm certainly glad that's over with," said Laverne.
"Yeah, let's get out of here," agreed Bernard.
"Leaving so soon?" said Purple Tentacle senior behind them. "We haven't had the chance to get to know one another."
Bernard turned, slowly. Purple Tentacle was there, his diminuator in one arm, an irritated smile on his face. He fired.
The bolt struck Bernard right in the centre of the forehead. "Ha ha ha!" laughed Purple Tentacle.
They were only one foot high and still shrinking when Purple Tentacle leapt toward them. "Eek!" said Bernard, running around the table and away from Purple Tentacle. But Purple Tentacle was only interested in the Sludge-O-Matic�. He pulled the switch back on, then turned to gloat at his fallen human opponents.
"You humans are so SHORT-sighted," he said. "Your efforts are so TINY. You amount to so very LITTLE. Run all you like, you insignificant insect!"
They expanded. Bernard knew better than to run. They'd be shot in the back. Instead, he did the only thing he could in this situation: he talked.
"Just what is it you have against humans, anyway?" he asked Purple Tentacle.
"What's to talk about? I detest the whole cackling, hand-wringing lot of you," said Purple Tentacle.
"But humans created the Sludge-O-Matic�, which made you super-intelligent," Bernard pointed out.
"Nonsense," said Purple Tentacle. "I created that myself and sent it back through time. I knew Fred's mad scientist ego would make him use it. How's that for a paradox?"
"It makes my heads hurt," said Bernard. He wanted to keep going in this area - he thought he could see a weakness - but suddenly Hoagie piped up on his left.
"Are you really a future version of Purple Tentacle?" said Hoagie.
"Who else would be brilliant enough to invent the Diminuator?" said Purple.
"Could you give us some stock tips?" said Hoagie. Bernard looked at him.
"Don't invest in shoes! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Do the Sharks ever have a winning season?" continued Hoagie.
"No, but the Tentacles do! HAHAHAHAHA!"
Now Laverne was joining in. Bernard looked at her - had his two friends gone mad? "Do we manage to defeat you and save the world?" asked Laverne.
"Of course not!" said Purple Tentacle dismissively.
"Are you more or less intelligent than the Purple Tentacle from our time?" asked Hoagie.
"The same, but I've had two hundred years to think things over. Heh heh heh heh."
"How is it that you can grow hair without follicles?" asked Laverne.
"It wasn't easy... but the secret made me very wealthy."
What was this - the Sixty Minutes interview? Bernard had had enough. He opened his mouth and quickly said, before anyone else could interject, "You're pretty handy with that ray gun."
Purple Tentacle looked pleased by the complement. "Center of the forehead, every time," he said.
Bernard looked up at Doctor Fred. And he got an idea.
"Would you like a demonstration?" asked Purple Tentacle.
"I bet," said Bernard slyly, "you couldn't hit your own forehead."
Purple Tentacle laughed. "Nice try."
Not so. That had just been a feint. Now Bernard attacked. "Let's discuss your hatred of humans further," he said.
The subject of humans always got Purple Tentacle angry. Just like always, he couldn't hold back. "Humans are our oppressors! They made us live in this horrible motel! They created us in ungainly forms so we could not rise against them! Try walking around with your legs tied together and glue on your shoes, you'll see what I mean."
"Sounds like that's all Dr. Fred's fault, really," said Bernard. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Doctor Fred struggling and glaring at him.
A thoughtful expression crossed Purple Tentacle's face. "Hmmm. I suppose you're right about that," he admitted. "I didn't start out hating all humans, just Dr. Fred."
Bernard laid the trap. "Why don't you zap Dr. Fred if you hate him so much?"
Purple Tentacle considered this. "Hmmm. Perhaps that would be entertaining!"
Bernard and co got out of the way. Purple Tentacle jumped closer to Doctor Fred. Leaning forward, he zapped the diminuator.
Centre of the forehead, every time. Most people's foreheads are bare; however Doctor Fred wore a strange lamp/mirror apparatus that was half coal-miner, half surgeon. The diminuator bolt struck it dead centre, rebounded, and hit Purple Tentacle full in the face. He shrank, to the size of a large slug. "Oh, drat!" said Purple Tentacle
Bernard and co came forward. Purple Tentacle now rapidly changed his tune. "Ummm... surely we can talk this out," he said hopefully.
"Hmmm..." said Hoagie.
"Talk..." mused Laverne.
"Surely..." thought Bernard.
A single thought-filled second passed. Then, acting as one, they lifted their leg and squashed Purple Tentacle under one patterned shoe.
They lifted the foot up and inspected the bottom of the shoe. Purple Tentacle was there, squashed but still lively. "WAIT!" he cried. "You haven't heard the last of me! I'll be back! And the next time the world and all its piffling inhabitants shall be mine! All mine! BWAHAHAHA!!"
Bernard took an envelope from his back pocket. He scraped Purple Tentacle off his sole and into the envelope, and then they licked the envelope shut. Bernard looked down, where he saw Ed's faithful hamster on the floor.
"All mine!" squeaked Purple Tentacle from inside the envelope. He was not expanding. It didn't seem like he ever would be.
"OK, little fella," said Bernard, giving the letter to the hamster. "Mail this to Siberia."
Ed's hamster sped off, the letter gripped between its teeth.
Bernard and co stepped forward to the Sludge-O-Matic� machine. Hoagie pulled the lever shut.
The room was filled with a fresh, sparkling sound. Bernard and co turned to see the ten tentacles littering the room were each vanishing in a sparkling cloud of white light. The light faded, and when it had gone there was no indication anything had ever been there.
Outside, beyond their vision, all was well. Clean water flowed from under the Mansion. Butterflies fluttered, birds played.
Bernard sighed. He suddenly felt so tired. "Our work here is done," he said to Hoagie and Laverne. "Now we can go home."

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