Prologue Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Epilogue

PART VII: HOAGIE GETS POWER

Hoagie went to visit Ben Franklin, who was starting to look like his only hope of powering the super-battery.
"Excuse me, Mister," Hoagie began.
"Mr. Electricity?" said Franklin. "That would be me."
"How's the power-luring going?" Hoagie asked.
"Not so good, I'm afraid," Franklin admitted. "The skies continue to taunt me with their cloudless visage. But soon I, Mr. Hammer of the Gods, He Who Glows With Righteousness, Big Thunder Ben, Mr. It-Strikes-Twice-If-I-Say-It-Does, Mr. BEN FRANKLIN will glow with the almighty power of the heavens and the world will do my bidding! Aha ha ha!"
Hoagie politely ignored the megalomania and looked up. The situation was as bad as Franklin had described. Not one cloud could be seen.
Well, nothing much he could do about that. He'd just have to wait for some rain.
Hoagie walked back to the Mansion. If he had to do any waiting, he'd rather he didn't have to do it around Franklin.

Following the fire alarm chaos, things had quietened down in the Main Hall.
Washington stood at the window, admiring himself. Thomas Jefferson sat behind the table, now without a log to warm the fires of his spirit. It was John Hancock who had suffered the worst, though. Not only was the fire out now, but his blanket had a rather gaping burnt hole in the middle. He was colder than ever.
"Wassup?" Hoagie asked him. "Still cold, huh?"
Hancock nodded gloomily. "N-n-now that the f-f-fire's o-out, I'm c-c-c-colder than ever."
"Why don't you have some hot coffee?"
"Oh, I c-c-can't stand c-coffee," moaned Hancock. "It m-m-makes me irritable, and want to b-bang my h-head against walls."
"You say that as though it was a bad thing," said Hoagie.
"Do you have any idea h-how much it c-c-costs to fix a w-wall these days? It's a r-r-racket!"
"Have you tried decaffeinated coffee?"
"I'm t-talking about decaf," Hancock stammered.
"Maybe you'd better move to a warmer state," said Hoagie.
"D-d-don't remind me," said Hancock. "I've been p-pushing for statehood f-for F-Florida, but all I ever g-get is the speech about V-Valley F-Forge."
"Shouldn't you guys be working instead of just sitting there?" asked Hoagie. They were the most recumbent group of founding fathers he'd ever seen.
"L-Look, this is h-hard work," Hancock stuttered. "We c-can't just write this thing off the t-t-tops of our heads. We've got to th-think about important issues."
Hoagie could help out here. "Dude, the latest issue of Bikes 'n' Brews is rad," he said.
"I was th-thinking about something a b-b-bit c-closer to my heart," Hancock confessed.
"You look like you're thinking about a wool sweater," said Hoagie shrewdly.
Hancock was. Without much hope, he turned to Jefferson. "Hey, T-Tom."
"Thomas," Jefferson corrected.
"C-Can we p-put in an amendment where the g-g-government provides everyone with w-wool sweaters?" Hancock asked.
"Oh, please. Can't you stop whining and think about something else? Why, if you'd been at Valley Forge with Washington you'd-"
"All right, already," said Hancock. He looked miserably at Hoagie. "You s-see what I have to d-deal with?"
"Why is the Constitution almost blank?" Hoagie asked. It was.
"Writer's b-block," said Hancock morosely. We c-c-can't think of any amendments or anything, so we p-put a suggestion box over there. I d-don't suppose you have any b-brilliant ideas?"
"No music in elevators," said Hoagie instantly.
"No m-music in what?"
"You could guarantee the right to free speech," Hoagie suggested.
Hancock thought about this. "Hmmm, f-free speech... n-no, that'll n-never work."
"Gotta go, dude," said Hoagie.
"Goodbye."
Hoagie went to talk to Thomas Jefferson, who, while sitting tall and proud and looking important, wasn't actually doing anything either. "Yo, Tom," said Hoagie.
"Thomas," he was corrected.
"How goes the framing of the Constitution?" asked Hoagie.
"Not so well," said Jefferson. He proceeded to run through the problems they'd come up against. "We can't decide whether we should allow a free press or impose a tax. An argument has broken out over whether we should separate church and state or legalise bingo parlours. We can't even decide what font to use."
Hoagie nodded patiently as Jefferson continued. "We're not sure if we should guarantee the right to bear arms, or if it will generate too many atrocious puns. We don't know whether to call it the 'Bill of Rights' or 'Appendix A.' I sure hope someone gives us a useful suggestion soon," finished Jefferson. Hoagie, a little worried for the future of his country, hoped somebody did too.
Hoagie was bored, waiting around for a storm. He stepped some distance away from the table and had a look through his pockets. There was all sorts of junk in there - backstage passes, gum wrappers, bits of chalk. Amongst the garbage Hoagie found a tiny advertising card. A guy called George wanted every American home to have a vacuum cleaner in the basement. George was of course a vacuum cleaner salesman, and had actually visited their undergrad apartment earlier in the year. But if you didn't know that, the message on the card was a little vague.
It was time to have some fun. Hoagie dropped the card in the suggestion box then went to the far side of the room. He stood behind the fireplace, out of sight of the founding fathers, then said in a low, carrying voice, "Ahem. BOY, IT'S SURE QUIET IN HERE. I WONDER IF THERE MIGHT BE ANY IDEAS WORTH DISCUSSING IN THE SUGGESTION BOX? MAYBE SOMEBODY SHOULD TAKE A LOOK."
At the window, George Washington turned round to face Hancock and Jefferson. "I say, lads, I have an idea," he said.
"H-harassing B-b-betsy with arbitrary flag d-design changes is g-getting dull," said Hancock. "B-besides, last time she th-th-threatened to stitch m-me."
"No," said Washington. "I was thinking it's about time we opened the suggestion box. Don't you agree?"
"S-sure George. If you s-s-say so."
"Yes, whatever you think is fine with us," agreed Jefferson.
"Excellent!" George went over and opened up the suggestion box.
Hancock turned to Jefferson. "What's he th-thinking? N-n-no one of any importance has b-been here all day. What c-c-could be in the s-suggestion box?"
"Perhaps he intends to suggest something himself," Jefferson said.
"Oh."
George suddenly spoke up. "Ah, here's a suggestion. It says: 'George says that every American should have a vacuum cleaner in their basement!' What do you think, gentlemen?"
"Um... whatever you say, George," said Hancock. "Your n-name's on it...I'm sure you m-m-must have a good reason f-for suggesting it."
"Yes," said George, a slightly baffled expression on his face. "It's strange... I don't quite... well, I'm sure I had a reason for it. If there are no objections, we shall add it to the constitution immediately!"
Nobody spoke up. "No? Good! And so shall it be law." George went back to the window.
Hancock looked at Jefferson. "What's a 'vacuum cleaner'?"

Franklin, precipitated by the lack of inclement weather, was starting to have second thoughts. "Hmmm... the design's solid," he said, referring to his kite. "But I need some waterproof material... like cast iron, or something."

Hoagie was also outside, looking at the sky. No clouds were flying in from west, east, north, or south. It was clear.
He couldn't wait around like this forever. Surely there was something he could do to bring a storm closer?
One idea came to mind. It wasn't difficult or stupid, so Hoagie went inside, and got a bucket, water, brush and soap from the kitchen area. With these in hand, he went back outside, and stood on the cobblestoned front yard area, looking at the tumbledown rustbucket of a horse carriage that had been left to rot here.
Hoagie set the bucket of soapy water on the ground, dipped the brush in it, then started on the carriage. He was cleaning it.
It took ten minutes to go all over the surface, and in that time Hoagie had gotten the dirt and most of the rust first. It would take a few more minutes for the results of his effort to be noticeable, so Hoagie went back inside.
There was an air of recent activity in the Main Hall. Finally, the founding fathers seemed to have gotten down to business. He sought out Jefferson. "How goes the framing of the Constitution?" he asked him.
"Great!" said Jefferson. "George's suggestion about the vacuum cleaners really got the old creative juices flowing! In fact, we've just given ocelots the right to vote!"
"Wow," said Hoagie.
"We've just finished up amendment 425, which prohibits spelunking on alternate Thursdays," continued Jefferson. "Even as we speak, Hancock's polishing up his 'Single Syllable Undergarment' amendment. And in a few minutes, Washington's going to present his proposal to split the government into eight branches: Executive, judicial, legislative, bronchial, atypical, Freudian, elliptical, and extra-crispy. By tomorrow we'll have finished all 9800 amendments!"
"I hope they've got a good editor," muttered Hoagie. He heard low rumbling noises from outside and suddenly grinned. Moving with surprising speed for a slobby greaser Hoagie went outside.
A welter of clouds, black and hideous, had come from nowhere and were still gathering above, pressing together and flattening out. Lightning flickered from cloud to cloud, and the sky rumbled constantly.
"Looks like a big storm," said Hoagie. "See, this is why I never wash my car." Then Hoagie saw the small round figure of Ben Franklin returning to the Mansion, kite in hand.
"Hey, Ben!" Hoagie called out.
Franklin stopped. "Oh, it's you," he said. "What do you want?"
"Where are you going? What about your experiment?"
"Even science sometimes gets called on account of rain, my boy!" Franklin said. "My kite simply isn't durable enough to withstand the fury of the elements!"
"But how're you ever gonna get lightning if you're not gonna stand out in a storm?"
"To be frank, which I am, I don't know," said Franklin. "The science of electrodynamics - much like your mind, apparently - is still in a state of relative infancy. Back to the drawing board, I say!" Dramatically, Franklin rushed inside.
Hoagie could only shake his head. "What a genius."

Work on the Constitution, meanwhile, continued apace.
"Maybe we should add a rule that you can't dump sludge into the water supply," suggested Hancock.
"What manner of fool would do that in the first place?" said Jefferson sceptically.
Hancock considered this. "You're right."

Hoagie stepped back inside the Mansion with the single thought that he had to find some kind of durable material for Ben Franklin to make a kite from.
The first place he went looking was Red Edison's basement. Red was still down there, tinkering with an invention. Hoagie looked around, trying to appear inconspicuous, and saw a white lab coat hanging on a hook. It looked like just the thing he needed.
He couldn't take it without being seen by Red. So Hoagie created a diversion. "Hey," he said, pointing at the window. "Look behind you, a three-headed monkey!"
Red turned. "Where?" Hoagie swiped the coat and stuffed it into his pants. Red turned back. "Will you stop pestering me! I'm very busy!"
Whistling, Hoagie walked out and took the stairs to Ben Franklin's room. He found Franklin hunched over a table, going over his fabric with a needle and thread.
"I got something good for ya, Mister," said Hoagie. "Uh, Mister..."
Franklin finally turned to him. "Mr. Brainstorm? Yes, hand it over." Hoagie gave him the lab coat, which Franklin inspected closely. "Hmmm... Doesn't this belong to somebody?"
"Yeah, Red Edison," said Hoagie.
"Ah." Franklin cast aside his old kite, got out the ruler and scissors, and immediately went about fashioning the lab coat into a new one. "I'm sorry, but the man has no vision!" he said, working hard. "A lightweight, durable fabric like this, going to waste down in his basement... When I'm done with it, it will fly!"
"Hmmm," said Hoagie, watching Ben.
"Eureka!" Franklin exclaimed, holding up the new kite. "The All-Season Frank-O-Copter! Ready to make history!"

Outside:
Hoagie was holding the kite, and Franklin had the reel of string in his hand. Franklin was going over the experiment with Hoagie, and it was hard work. For what seemed like the fifth time, he said, "No, there's no fuse."
"So what do I light?" asked Hoagie.
"For the last time, you're not going to light anything!" said Franklin. "You just push it!"
"The whole time?" said Hoagie dubiously. "How am I going to get up that high?"
"Listen, just wait for me to say the word, 'Now'," said Franklin impatiently. "Then push the kite into the air. All right?"
"I'm on ya, lasagna," Hoagie assured him.
"Let's hope so." Franklin stepped some distance away, ready to begin flying the kite.
Hoagie, with a sudden stab of horror, realised he'd left the super-battery, his whole reason for helping Franklin, plugged into the Chron-O-John.
"NOW!" shouted Franklin. Hoagie just stood there.
"NOW!!!!" shouted Franklin again. He got no response from Hoagie. "NOW, IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE, NOW!!"
Eventually he realised Hoagie was not going to push the kite. Franklin came forward. "Oops," said Hoagie apologetically.
"What part of the word 'NOW' didn't you understand?" asked Franklin.
"Uhhh..."
"Look, it's very simple: I say 'NOW', and you push the kite. Comprenez-vous?"
"Actually, I'd like to go think about it for a while," said Hoagie sheepishly.
"Marvellous," said Franklin. "I'll be here when you figure it out."
"Whatta grouch," muttered Hoagie. Quick as he could, he got to the Chron-O-John, took the super-battery and returned to the clearing amongst the trees, where Franklin was starting to get some of his relentless cheer back.
"Ready for another brush with destiny?" he said.
"Sure, why not?" said Hoagie.
"Splendid!" Franklin handed him the kite. Hoagie looked and saw a tiny fold on the back of the kite where he could put the super-battery. He tucked it in there while Franklin picked up the reel of string.
Franklin took a deep breath. "NOW!" he shouted. Hoagie pushed the kite, and as Franklin pulled on the string the kite sailed up into the air.
"Wheee!" said Hoagie. He joined Franklin.
Franklin's face was a mask of concentration. Sweat rolled down his brow. For some reason, flying this kite was proving harder than he'd expected. It moved far too heavily, buffeted by the high-velocity winds. "She's handling kinda funny," said Franklin
"You got it... just hang on there," said Hoagie.
"She's too heavy. I can't control her!"
"Hang on, Ben. Hang on!"
"She's breaking up! She's breaking up!"
A bright bolt of lightning struck the kite. There was an electrical crackling noise, then the kite plummeted to earth. "Run for your life!" shouted Franklin.

Some time later...
Franklin and Hoagie stood in the clearing. The storm clouds had cleared from above, and Franklin held the kite tightly in one arm.
"Now THAT was interesting!" said Franklin.
"Yeah," agreed Hoagie. "Say, can I see that kite for a second?"
"No!" said Franklin firmly. "I'm taking it back to my lab in Philly right now, so I can study the results! Wish me luck." Franklin turned and trotted toward the Mansion, and just when Hoagie was starting to lose hope the super-battery was jogged free and fell into the grass. Hoagie came forward to pick it up, but before he could Franklin turned around. "I never got your name!" he said.
Hoagie straightened. "It's Hoagie, sir."
"Nice working with you, Hoagie," said Franklin. "I promise to name an invention after you someday."
"Gosh, thanks," said Hoagie, as Franklin left. He picked up the super-battery, and now the meter registered full power.
Hoagie wasted no time, but went to the Chron-O-John and plugged in the super-battery. Immediately the rotor blades on the top of the Chron-O-John kicked into life, gradually rising to a steady, comforting whirr.
It had worked. "Well, I'm all ready to go," he said. "But I guess I have to wait for Bernard and Laverne."
Hoagie sat down and waited.

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