Prologue Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Epilogue

PART VI: THE HUMAN SHOW

Laverne, saddled with a different set of problems, had just realised how to solve them.
She needed a human for the human show. And she had Dead Cousin Ted.
As soon as this insight came, Laverne was racing upstairs as fast as she could, quickly making it to Ted's idyllic pad. Sure enough, good old reliable Ted was there, lying recumbent against the plush chair.
"Hello there," said Laverne as she came in. No response from Ted. "My, those are nice clothes you're wearing." She took out the tag and stuck it onto Ted's polyester jacket. Then she stood back and rubbed her chin critically.
"How am I going to get you downstairs with the others?" Laverne said at last. "I can't carry you, you're too big. I don't suppose you'd walk down on your own." She thought. "Maybe I could cut a hole in the floor and drop you down." Laverne was just looking for an axe when she saw something better. A set of roller skates.
Laverne picked them up. "I nearly killed myself on a pair of these once," she said to Ted. "I think you'll do better, though." She strapped them to Ted's large, bandage-swathed feet, and eventually propped Ted upright. Ted looked even more suave and sophisticated now he was standing on his two feet, arms extended forward like John Travolta doing Frankenstein. He looked ready to boogie down!
Laverne lined him up with the door, and gave his back a large push.

Tentacles, being tentacles, have trouble with stairs. So the super-scientific Mansion of the future had all its stairs taken out, replaced by smoothly sloping metal surfaces that the tentacles were able to grip with their suction cups.
So when Laverne pushed Ted forward, he rolled out into the passage, glanced against the far wall, and headed for the stairwell, slowly picking up speed.
The stairwell was narrow, steep and banked. Ted fairly whirled down it, ejected at the bottom like the bullet from a barrel. Directly in his way was the couch of human show contestants, in particular Harold.
Harold's jaw dropped. He took in breath to scream. Ted ploughed into him first, knocking Harold off his feet, tipping the couch over and spilling all the other contestants. Harold was left nearly unconscious on the floor, his legs kicking feebly, and Ted's mummified body flat above him.
"Well, that's the spirit!" said the tentacle guard approvingly. "Everybody's raring to go! Let's get this show on the road!"

And so, an hour later, everybody was gathered upstairs, on the human show floor. Ready for the show to begin.
Harold was particularly excited. Even being put in the seat next to Ted's stiff body didn't faze him. "Ah, here it comes... my finest hour!" he said happily.
Laverne stood at Ted's side, looking worriedly at the other contestants and hopefully at Ted.
This was going to be tough. There were five contestants in all. Looking at the far group of three Laverne recognised two from downstairs - the pert, smiling woman with the peach hair and walnut brain, and the Napoleonic figure with severe sunglasses and chestful of medals. Next to them was a new contestant, a Roman Emperor figure with bare feet and rings on his fingers, greasy black hair and a fat, royal-sized gut. He had spent the last half hour snoring.
Then there was Harold. What a pretty-boy. The green hair with the spangly things, the awesomely white teeth, and no doubt Harold had a laugh from hell. Laverne couldn't understand what on earth was so attractive about him, but she knew that the tentacles would probably fall over him like a group of fawning admirers.
The tentacles in question were a multicoloured group of seven tentacles, gossiping in the far corner of the hall. Behind them, and watching the trophies carefully, was good old Doctor Tentacle.
They were the ones who would judge Ted here. Laverne looked at Ted critically. She had to be honest here. She quite liked the retro charm of Ted's wardrobe, but human show entrants were judged in only three categories: best hair, best smile, and best laugh.
"Well," she began, "he's got no smile to speak of, absolutely no laugh, and he's bald as a cue ball."
"In other words," finished Harold, "not a chance in hell." Laverne glared at him.
"I'm concerned about this human show," she said to Ted in a low voice. "For a start, your smile isn't much to look at. Have you got any teeth at all? Maybe we can fake it. Pretend you're on a blind date or something."
There was a pause. "We've got to do something about your hair," said Laverne. "I couldn't help but notice you haven't got any. Most of the others have big, thick hair. I wish we had a wig," she added.
Ted didn't seem to care much. "I guess we can't do much about your sense of humour," admitted Laverne. "Can you laugh? How about if you heard a really funny joke? What if I tickled you?" Ted gave no reply.
It didn't fill Laverne with much confidence as she headed for the judging area. "...and so I said to her," one of the tentacle judges was saying, "'That's not my suction cup!'"
"Ha ha ha!" laughed another.
"You think that's funny, listen to this..."
Laverne got the attention of Doctor Tentacle. "Doctor!"
"What is it?" said Doctor Tentacle sharply. "Is someone sick? We can't have sick humans in the show!"
"Well, uh..."
"I examined them all myself! They're all perfectly healthy-looking to me, except for the dead one. Now leave me alone!"
So obviously Doctor Tentacle wasn't involved in the judging. Laverne turned her attention to the circle of judges. "Hey, when are you guys going to judge Best Smile?" asked Laverne loudly.
"Oh, all right!" said one of the judges irritably. And Laverne was treated to her first sight of tentacles moving in formation. They didn't leap clumsily over the floor, instead the sort of... wriggled along, staying upright, and holding the circle together. It was fascinating.
The judges stopped in front of the human contestants and waited. Ted, of course, did nothing. The blonde woman smiled briefly then forgot what she was supposed to be doing. The emperor snored. And Harold smiled the most beautiful dental-perfect smile.
"Yow! That Harold sure knows how to bare them beauties!" said one of the judges.
"I could see my reflection in one of his incisors!" agreed another.
"First Place!"
"Agreed!" Having decided this, the tentacles returned to their gossiping spot.
It wasn't looking good. "Hey," she said again, "when are you guys going to judge Best Laugh?"
"Oh, all right!"
Gathered in front of the contestants, the judges looked at each other. "Okay, who's got a joke?" said one.
"Hey, I just flew in from Baltimore," said another, "and boy are my suction cups tired!"
"Ha ha ha!" laughed the first judge.
"A classic."
They turned and looked expectantly at the contestants. Ted did nothing. Only Harold laughed, a cultured, dainty laugh that improved any joke it bookended.
"Harold by a mile."
"Now there's a sense of humour!"
"Agreed!"
It was hopeless. Laverne, looking at Harold, knew she shouldn't even bother asking the judges to judge Best Hair.
She went back to Ted, to offer some moral support. "We gotta do something about this Harold guy or we're sunk," she said. "I wonder how we could get him disqualified? I suppose killing him's out of the question. Maybe we could just make him really sick."
Laverne had no ideas. At last, she came to a decision. She'd head to the Chron-O-John and see if any of the others could help.

On the way down, she composed a note. It pretty much went like this:

Hi. Laverne here.
I need some help. I need a wig, or something that will do as a wig, something that laughs, and a big set of false teeth. Don't ask why.
Thanks.

She had just put it in the Chron-O-John, when she noticed something else was in there. She reached in, and took out a flat, knobbly piece of plastic that looked like a pizza, until she got a better look and saw it was fake sick.
Laverne suddenly grinned. This was perfect! Not bothering to wait for any reply from Bernard or Hoagie, she returned to the human show floor.
No prizes had yet been awarded. Quick as a flash Laverne dropped the fake sick on the ground. It looked humorously incongruous on the slick metal floor, right in front of Harold who, staring faithfully into space, as yet saw nothing.
Laverne ducked into the stairwell, out of sight of the judges. She raised her voice. "OH! HAROLD! That's gross!"
"What are you babbling about?" said Harold.
"You really should have told the judges," said Laverne archly, "if you weren't feeling well."
Harold glanced down, and saw the fake vomit. "Oh, ick!" he said, just as Doctor Tentacle hopped over to see what the fuss was about. "Now, how did that mess get there?" continued Harold in a queasy voice. "I think I'm going to be sick!"
"Someone in here not feeling well?" asked Doctor Tentacle.
"I was feeling fine," said Harold, "until I saw that."
Doctor Tentacle looked in Harold's mouth. "Is that your regurgitation?"
Harold suddenly realised what was happening. "No!" he protested, shaking his head. "I'm a healthy human!"
"Didn't you just say you thought you were going to be sick?" asked Doctor Tentacle.
"That's just a figure of speech-"
"Do you realise you could have infected the whole show with human influenza?" said Doctor Tentacle severely.
Harold was starting to cry. "But I just... got... all... my... shots!" Tears flew as Harold shivered with grief.
"You're a good-looking human, Harold, but you know the rules. You're out of the show." Doctor Tentacle took a control from his pocket and pressed a large button. A gap in the floor opened up, directly under Harold. He plummeted, along with the fake sick. "What a mess," muttered Doctor Tentacle, as the floor closed up again. "I hate cleaning up after humans." He hopped away.
Laverne came back, a smile on her face. Now Mr. Mummy had a chance. She went and got the judges. "Hey, why don't you guys judge Best Smile again?"
"Oh, all right!"
The judges gathered in front of the contestants. All in all, it was a sorry lot. There was barely a smile among the four of them. The judges conferred.
"Not a bad set of chompers on that blonde," said one.
"If Harold's not competing, I don't care who wins," said another gloomily. He sighed.
"Me either," agreed another judge. They left the contestants.
Laverne's smile, meanwhile, had also taken a battering. It seemed getting rid of Harold wasn't enough. She'd have to distinguish Ted from the pack.
There was one category she thought Ted might have a chance at. "Hey," she said to the judges, "don't you guys think you should judge Best Laugh again?"
"Oh, all right!" The judges gathered in front of the contestants and conferred.
"All right, who's got a joke?"
After a pause, "I know: Why did the human cross the road?"
"Because his tentacle owner told him to!"
"Ha ha ha!"
They turned and looked expectantly at the contestants. There was a long, painful period of utter silence.
"Nobody laughed," said one of the judges.
"Maybe we should come up with a better joke," said another.
"Agreed!"
They left the contestants, leaving the future of that particular category up in the air somewhat. It made Laverne's mind up: Ted was not going to win this human show unaided. He'd need a little prettifying, first. This in mind, Laverne went to the Chron-O-John to see what Bernard and Hoagie had come up with.

They'd come up with a fairly mixed bag. From Hoagie, Laverne found herself clutching a handful of soggy spaghetti (it had been plain before Hoagie put it in the Chron-O-John, but had mysteriously picked up meatballs from somewhere) and an enormous set of yellow dentures surely too large for a human. Laverne was no veterinarian, but that set of teeth wouldn't look out of place in a horse.
Hoagie had gotten the dentures from the talking horse. Getting them had involved reading out the extract from Bernard's textbook. The horse instantly fell asleep, discarding its dentures in the cup of dirty water, and Hoagie took them. Laverne didn't know this, which was probably just as well.
There was nothing from Bernard, except a terse note.

Can I borrow your scalpel?
Bernard.

It got Laverne curious, curious enough to flush her scalpel to Bernard. She waited to see what he had in mind.

What Bernard had in mind was a little shameful. But revenge was still on his mind, and as he headed for the convention hall, scalpel in hand, he knew it was time to extract a debt years in the making.
Bernard opened the convention hall doors, and there he was: Oozo. The rubbery inflated clown you could knock about, but never knock down. Painted on legs, painted on face, insane eyebrows. As a child, Bernard had pushed an Oozo. It had instantly flown back at him, knocking him flat on his back. Since then Bernard had lived in terror of Oozo, and all his bottom-weighted inflated toy chums.
Bernard stood directly in front of Oozo, who stared back at him as if he knew something Bernard didn't. "You lookin' at me?" said Bernard. "Are you looking at me?" he repeated, louder. "Then who are you looking at, huh? I asked you a question!"
Oozo just grinned.
"Okay, clown, that does it!" Bernard punched Oozo on the nose. Oozo rocked back. The weights in his base stopped the backwards motion, then swung him forward. Oozo crashed into Bernard's head, sending him flying.
Oozo rocked back into position, and his voice-box laughed its low-fi laugh. "Ha. Ha. Ha."
Bernard got up, adjusted his askew glasses, and pulled out the scalpel. An unhealthy grin turned his face into that of a serial killing maniac. Bernard slashed at Oozo with the scalpel.
It bit deep and long. Air gushed out, almost like a prolonged raspberry, as Oozo bid his defiant farewell to the world. And when the last air had vented, there was the metal voice box, alone amongst a mound of thin plastic.
"Ha. Ha. Ha."

It was only a few minutes of waiting before Laverne saw the laugh box in the Chron-O-John. She picked it up. Another perfect item from Bernard.
Back in the human show room, she assembled her materials. The laugh box went in a pocket of Ted's jacket, and she tied a bit of string to it so she could activate it from a distance. The horse teeth she fitted over Ted's mouth. The spaghetti she just dumped on his head. It was an untidy mess, but she didn't have a comb or anything.
Laverne stood back and admired her work. "He's got an impressive smile, a nice hearty laugh, and lots of hair, but there's no real style to it. Pretty darn good for a mummy."
It was time to get the judges. "Hey," she said to them, "shouldn't you guys judge Best Smile again?"
"Oh, all right!"
They inspected the lineup. Ted's enormous teeth were a standout.
"I like the quiet one with the big teeth," said one judge.
"There's nothing in the rules about them being white," agreed another.
"First Place goes to the mummy!"
"Agreed!"
Laverne's heart rose. They were a chance yet! Before the judges could get distracted with gossip, she spoke to them. "Isn't it time to judge Best Laugh?"
"Oh, all right!"
Soon, all the judges were gathered in front of the contestants. "OK, who's got a joke?" asked one.
"I got one," one of the tentacles said. "How can you tell a human from a sack of flour?"
"Drop them both off a tall building, and the human will bounce!"
The tentacles all laughed. "Ha! It's funny because it's true!" said one. Everyone enjoyed the joke so much they forgot to wait for the humans to laugh, which was fortunate because Laverne realised she'd misplaced the bit of string. She searched hurriedly for it.
"Here's one," said another tentacle. "How many tentacles does it take to change a light bulb?"
"None!" said a tentacle exuberantly. "That's the sort of tedious labor humans are for!"
"Heh heh heh. Good one!"
This was turning into a jokefest. "Okay, a fat human and an athletic human simultaneously slip on a sucker print and fall in a river. Which one will swim to shore first?"
"Neither! Humans are too dumb to swim!"
"Ha ha ha!"
"A classic," said one of the judges, wiping a tear from his eyes.
"I got one," said a tentacle. "A blonde male human and a brunette female human jump out of an airplane without parachutes. Which one will survive?"
"Who cares!?!" laughed another tentacle.
"Ha! I can relate to that one!"
Finally, they all turned to face the contestants. Laverne had found the string, and quickly gave it a yank. What might have been an uncomfortable silence was destroyed as the mummy laughed. "Ha. Ha. Ha."
The judges deliberated. "It's amazing how the mummy can do that without moving his lips!" said one.
"I say we give him first place!"
"Agreed!"
Two out of three! Laverne resisted an urge to pump her fist. There was still one category left, and it was the trickiest of the three. "Hey," she said to the judges, "don't you guys think you should judge Best Hair?"
"Oh, all right!"
They all had a good look at the contestants. Then came the discussion. "The mummy's has improved," one of the judges said.
"Yes," agreed another. "But it's dull, flat, stringy... lacks body and control."
"A human's hair should stand up, not stand out."
"If only it was a little bit better," said a tentacle.
There was a momentary pause. "Let's give it to the blonde," said a tentacle.
"What's your reasoning?"
"She winked at me."
"Good enough!"
The judges left. Hmmm, thought Laverne. They hadn't won that category after all. Ted would have to do better. Laverne came forward and teased at the spaghetti hair with her fingers, trying to work it into shape.
She was no beautician, but after a few minutes of work she had curled the spaghetti into a single bouffant loop, upon which meatballs hung like cherries in a tree. She stood back, licked her meat sauce-covered fingers, and decided that would have to do.
The judges were much more forgiving this time around. "Wow! That's the best hair I've ever seen on a mummy," said one.
"Thick and full..."
"...and juicy!" completed another tentacle.
"The mummy wins!"
"Agreed!"
Three out of three! Laverne stifled an urge to shout out joyfully. "Well, that makes him best of show!" said one of the judges.
"Let's go congratulate him!"
The judges gathered around Ted. "He is very well preserved," said one.
"I'll miss his laugh," said another wistfully.
"It's time to give him his winnings and start packing up. We gotta get this whole show to Baltimore by Thursday."
"Yes, our work here is done."
Laverne looked at Ted with shining eyes.

After the festivities were over, Laverne was left alone with Ted in his bachelor pad. The spaghetti hair, dentures and laugh box were gone, leaving Ted suave and swinging on his rollerskate feet, ready to rock.
Laverne was happy, but sad as well. "I guess this is more or less goodbye," she began. "You've been a great friend. Thanks for never complaining about anything. And you look great in spaghetti." Laverne sighed. "I wish I could take you back with me," she said. "But I'm afraid of what my friends would say. It might mess up the space/time continuum. And I still don't know how your wardrobe would go over."
A short silence followed this. "Well, Ted, this is where we part ways," said Laverne. "You've certainly helped save humanity. Even though you've been dead for thousands of years, I think you're my-" Laverne suddenly felt an enormous lump in her throat. She sniffed, and wiped her eyes with the bottom of her tentacle disguise. "-favourite Edison," she finally managed.
Laverne leant forward and kissed Ted for the second time, this time on his bandage-covered lips. "Call me sometime, OK?" she said, walking to the door.
The door swished shut on Ted, and Laverne was left alone in the passage. She felt very sad. Only the knowledge that she had to get back to the present spurred on. She trudged down the passage, headed for the kennel.
There was a square of foil-stamped paper in her pocket, entitling the holder to Dinner for Two at Club Tentacle. Laverne was going to give this to the kennel guard, to get him off his post. Then the humans would escape, and the tentacle guard would jump after them, and-
But thinking about this again made her head ache. So she didn't think of much as she walked slowly down the halls and corridors of the futuristic Mansion. Soon she began to cheer up.
Finally she appeared in the kennel doorway. The kennel guard, as before, did a double take. "Hello, baby!" he said.
Laverne smiled and winked at him. In one smooth seductive motion she took the dinner pass in one hand and gave it to the kennel guard, who did another double take.
"Whoa! Dinner for two at Club Tentacle?!?" he exclaimed. Wasting not a second he leapt off his chair and bounded for the door. "I can't wait to tell my wife!" He was gone in a second.
Laverne, despite herself, was a little miffed.
She found the force field switch and flipped out. A distant hum vanished from the background. Laverne turned to the captured Edisons, who weren't showing much interest in proceedings.
"You're free!" said Laverne grandly.
None of the Edisons moved. "Free to do what?" said Zed.
Laverne didn't quite know how to answer that. "Free to... to... run wild through the woods, like humans should!" she enthused.
"Big deal," said Zed.
Laverne took a step forward, a stern expression on her face. "I said you're free! Now get off your fat, lazy butts and start enjoying it!"
"Enjoy being hunted for the rest of our lives by that moustached old tentacle with the big net?" said Zed. "If we ran off, he'd be right on our trail! If we stay here we know we'll be warm and comfortable. Outside we'd be eating bugs and moss."
"You'll be eating my fist in a second!" Laverne threatened.
Zed didn't budge. "The woods are filled with wild animals!" he moaned. "Lions... tigers... and skunks! Man, I hate skunks!" He shivered.
Laverne tried a different tack. She walked away from Zed, and paused at the door. "Oh, here I go out the door," Laverne said loudly. "Oh, I do so enjoy these freedoms that my forefathers fought and died for..."
"Give it up," said Zed.
"Darn," said Laverne. How was she going to entice these Edisons to escape?

Next Chapter